Do You Know How To Properly Vet A Man for Marriage?
The Story of Jacob
We tend to emphasize women being a Proverbs 31 Woman. Virtuous in all her ways. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 that He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord. This verse implies that as Godly women, we are to embody the qualities and characteristics of what a wife should be, even before “officially” becoming one. That means carrying yourself as someone who will be a wife and the representation of her future husband.
A Righteous Husband
But what can be said about a righteous husband? What are the implications of choosing a husband who is not honest or who has a questionable past? A man who hasn’t upheld high moral character before marriage. What are the consequences of choosing a man with a history of unrighteousness? How can his past decisions affect his wife or family’s future? What are the identifiable patterns in his family of origins’ lineage? How can you vet a man for marriage, and what are the right questions to ask?
Those questions bring me to the story of Jacob. Jacob is the son of Isaac and grandson of the notable Abraham, whom God made a covenant with. Abraham is considered the father of Jews. You can read the story of Jacob in Genesis chapter 27. Feel free to go further back into Genesis to read the story of his parents and grandparents.
The Story of Jacob
As you read Jacob’s story, he convinces his older twin brother Esau to give up his birthright by bartering it for a pot of soup that he made:
Genesis 25
27 When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a [o]civilized man, living in tents. 28 Now Isaac loved Esau because [p]he had a taste for game; but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 When Jacob had cooked a stew one day, Esau came in from the field and he was exhausted; 30 and Esau said to Jacob, “Please let me have a mouthful of [q]that red stuff there, for I am exhausted.” Therefore he was called [r]Edom by name. 31 But Jacob said, “[s]First sell me your birthright.” 32 Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so of what use then is the birthright to me?” 33 And Jacob said, “[t]First swear to me”; so he swore an oath to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and got up and went on his way. So Esau despised his birthright.
In Jewish culture, the oldest son was to get double the inheritance or double the wealth of his father, also known as his birthright. Jacob was going against the grain and trying to manipulate his older brother into giving that up. He acquired this birthright through his father’s deception, with his mother’s help. I encourage you to study in further detail.
Their mother, Rebekah, feared that Esau (the older brother) would kill Jacob and instructed Jacob to flee to her hometown of Haran to her brother Laban. Isaac (Jacob’s father) blesses him and commands him to take a wife from one of the daughters of Laban. Laban eventually becomes his father-in-law. Through deception, Laban has Jacob marry both of his daughters. One of which Jacob loves, the other he doesn’t and isn’t attracted to. He ends up working for 14 years for his father-in-law, in order to wed the woman his heart truly desired.
I have often heard many Christians upset at the fact that God allowed for the deception of Jacob by his father-in-law. The deception brought him as far as marrying the unattractive older sister Leah, whom he did not love.
Using A Biblical Story to Vet a Man (Potential Prospect)
What is often an oversight is that God is a just God. We don’t know his mind, but if we look deeper than the surface level, we see that just as Jacob’s father-in-law deceived him, Jacob deceived his brother. With the help of his mother, he successfully tricked his father into giving him his older brother’s inheritance/blessing, contrary to Jewish tradition. I believe he ended up paying for his deceit in the future.
If we investigate Jacob’s family, we see that his mom, Rebekah, conspired, and he conspired to steal Esau’s blessing. And he seems to be on the receiving end of deceit himself. Lying runs rampant within this family. When I backtracked into the word, I was reminded of something. His father (Isaac) and grandfather (Abraham) both lied the same lie in the exact location to the same person! They both lied about their wives being only their sisters (to the same King). Fearing the King would kill them to steal their wives (because of both women’s beauty).
What would have been the outcome of fate and history if, while Jacob was admiring Rachel, she asked him what his story was? How and why did he come to that village? What was he running from? What does his nuclear family background look like? Would she have still agreed to marry him? Shared his interest in her? Endured all the dysfunction and drama in their marriage? The dysfunction of jealousy between her and her older sister and the ensuing strife.
Leah is jealous of the love her husband has for her younger sister, Rachel, and competes with her for his love. On the flip side, Rachel’s jealousy stems from the comparison of her fertility to Leah’s. Leah is able to many children for Jacob, immediately and frequently. While Rachel has been infertile for years. The Lord does eventually open her womb. The root of this envious relationship is the polygamist marriage initiated by their father, Laban. I believe this forced polygamy resulted from Jacob reaping the harvest of his prior deceit.
Genesis 30:1
Now when Rachel saw that she had not borne Jacob any children, [a]she became jealous of her sister; and she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or else I am going to die.
Genesis 30: 14
Now in the days of wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrake fruits in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” 15 But she said to her, “Is it a small matter for you to take my husband? And would you take my son’s mandrakes also?” So Rachel said, “Therefore he may sleep with you tonight in return for your son’s mandrakes.”
I say all this as a reminder to you ladies that while being a virtuous woman, you should select a husband who is your reciprocal, as this can affect the trajectory of your life. We live in modern times (as it pertains to mate selection), and this works to our advantage. It means we can choose our spouses. Some may argue that this is to our detriment and that arranged marriages have a higher success rate. There can be an argument made for that.
With us making spousal decisions, we have the power and free will to decline a man’s advances if we don’t feel that it is a match or if we don’t feel comfortable. Just because a suitor expresses interest does not mean we have to open that door. Do not allow just anyone to lay claim to you. Exert your authority and seek God’s guidance in dating. Peace should be the overwhelming feeling when the person is from the Lord.
As women, we cannot let our passivity or fear of rejecting someone propel us into a relationship we weren’t meant to be in. Or even more commonly, we allow the anxiety of our biological clocks and lack of faith in God to provide us with a spouse, driving us to settle with a partner that is no good! Please do not allow your hunger (whether lust of the flesh or lack of faith) to make you sell your birthright, as Esau sold his to his brother! No partner is better than the wrong one! Your season of singleness is not a disease! Singlehood is a gift and a blessing, just like marriage to the right person is a gift and a blessing.
Things to Inquire About When Dating, as from the Story of Jacob
ASK HIM:
What is your faith? What is your religion?
In the Story of Jacob, his parents were first concerned with him marrying someone from a familiar bloodline. We can interpret this to mean marrying someone or marrying into a family of the same faith as us. This should be the first thing you inquire about Ladies!
Are there any negative patterns within your family?
There is an obvious generational pattern of deceit and lying on Jacob’s end. He also has a strained relationship with his twin brother, which causes him to flee. When you get to know someone, it is good to inquire or allow the person to open up about their family. A person’s family can tell us much about what you can be getting yourself into before and after marriage.
Are they able to recognize those things? Have they prayed against the dysfunction? Or prayed explicitly that the pattern they notice will stop with them?
Are there any unresolved conflicts they have with any family members? If so, what are they? And who are they in conflict with? Which family members are they closest to? How close are they to them? How do they feel about boundaries in marriage? Do they feel like boundaries need to be set with parents and siblings in marriage?
We see something that can be an oversight when we overspiritualize things. Jacob was not attracted to Leah, the older sister. Men must be attracted to us! They are visually wired! This is one of many reasons why we should allow men to approach us. This is to protect us and reassure us that when they approach, it is because they want to! Laban, Jacob’s father-in-law, forced his daughter on someone who wasn’t attracted to her, setting her up to feel unloved. Therefore, if a suitor comes up to us, we don’t even need to inquire if he is attracted because it’s apparent that he is.
In the same breath, we must also ask ourselves:
Am I attracted to HIM?
Attraction on both ends is essential!
Don’t be afraid to ask those critical questions. Questions can provide insight into a man’s history and relationship with others, including his family. Modes of behavior that he deems as acceptable or unacceptable. Ask questions about his family background (not that we are all products of our environments). With this, you can see if the person has risen above the dysfunction, toxicity, or character flaws in their bloodline. When dating, we must pray that men we are not Ordained to be with will not cling to us. And pray that we may make a sound decision for a future spouse. Take mental notes and decide when to move forward in a relationship and when not to. Do not feel the need to attach yourself to someone prematurely.
Dating Questions to Ask Before Becoming Official
You should be asking questions throughout your whole dating process. Now is the time. Too often, we see unsuccessful or failed marriages happen when two people don’t ask the right questions, or any at all. I remember my husband having a whole questions folder for me that he saved in the Notes app on his iPhone. He was so intentional about getting to know me, and I found it endearing. He was also very transparent. I had many questions to ask him but didn’t need to because he was already sharing. Transparency in a man is a very important quality. You can trust him because he is willing to share and does it without being asked.
Here are some more questions that can be asked and discussed:
What’s your outlook on dating? What does dating look like to you?
What’s your dating history?
Do you see yourself getting married?
What are your thoughts on sex before marriage? Abstinence?
Have you ever had a run-in with the law? Any past dealings in crime?
Have you been married before? How many times? If so, is your divorce finalized? Why did the two of you divorce? What did you learn from that prior marriage? What would you do differently?
Do you have children? How many?
Health status? Genetic illnesses, etc.
Ask yourself:
Are you at peace with the answers he gave to those questions? Are you settling? Think introspectively.
We have to go through hoops and loops of verification and questioning like credit reports and background checks to purchase homes and cars or even to be gainfully employed. So why not one of the most important decisions of our lives (spouse selection)?
P.S. Ladies, please be prepared and okay with him asking you the same questions or more in return. We should have standards, and so should the men we are dating.
The Gold Standard in Mate Selection & The Husband’s Role
Our husbands are to wash us and consecrate us. Just as Christ does with his bride (the church), this relationship is our blueprint for marriage. How can an ungodly man lead, protect, or set an example for us?
Ephesians 5
22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
The Bible is full of imperfect men of God. We are all imperfect and fall short of the glory of God. I am sure God’s son Jacob, was not all bad, but let us learn from his story. We know he was a man of God, from the lineage of God, as God does not make a covenant with those of bad seed.
Abstract Questions to ask yourself about your suitor
We are told in God’s word to be equally yoked. But, please remember: Not every man of God is meant to be your husband. Just because he and you are Christian does not mean you are compatible; don’t get caught up in this myth. If we are to be submissive, we should be able to “submit to the vision of the man.”
Ask yourself these questions:
Do I know where this man is going in life?
What are his long-term goals? Short-term goals? Where will he be leading us? (How can you submit to a man or trust him if you don’t like where he is headed? Ask him these questions. That way, you can get a glimpse into what life could look like for the two of you.
Do I admire him as a person?
You see, as a woman, our submission and respect for a man are often wrapped up in our admiration of him. You should look up to him as an individual but also as your future husband and God-willing father of your children. Beware, if you don’t admire this man, it won’t be that surprising that you will not be able to respect him. If everything he does irritates you, alarms you, or you feel the need to correct, these may be clues.
Do I respect him?
Equally Yoked in Spirit but not in Lifestyle.
Do I want to take part in the lifestyle he’s currently living or the one he talks about in the future?
In dating, observe how a person is living and decide whether you want to join him in his current lifestyle. If not, does he talk about upgrading or downgrading in the future? For example, you are a woman who loves to be wined, dined, and gifted. Is your suitor on the frugal side? He may deem fine dining unnecessary or outrageous or consider it frivolous spending. Maybe he doesn’t have the financial means to wine and dine you, but if he did, he would. Will he have the means in the future, or is he at his earning capacity? Are you okay with this?
Maybe he is a very simple man, and it’s not even a thought for him, but he has other redeeming qualities. Will you overlook something you value or think it to be inconsiderate? Will you still be able to appreciate him in the long run? Generally speaking, you guys talk about getting married in the future, and he mentions furnishing the house within two years, whereas you would like to get those major pieces within six months.
Can he afford to purchase a home? Has he been a good steward of his money while single in preparation to be a husband and provider of the household?
Do you want to move to a totally new place or territory once married to cultivate your life together? Or does he want to stay in his hometown? Does one of you prefer to stay close to family? Maybe he talks of moving his aging parents in with him at a certain point, or perhaps it’s something you would like. Are you in agreement? What is your stance on living with family?
Do we agree on the roles we would play in our household if we get married?
Is he a traditionalist? Are you a traditionalist? Will you want to be a stay-at-home wife or mother in the future? Does he agree with this? Or maybe he wants you to stay at home after having children. Will you be okay with this? Does he believe in the man being the primary breadwinner or sole provider of the household? Does he want you to financially contribute a percentage towards the bills?
Does he eat leftovers or want fresh food to be cooked daily? This may seem like a funny question, but I remember working with many older women who would mention that their husbands did not eat leftovers, and for years, they would cook fresh food multiple times a day. One coworker told me she woke up at dawn to meal prep every day. Those spoken experiences caused me to ask this question to my now husband while dating. And much to my relief, he was a leftover eater. Haha! You may be reading this and saying I don’t mind at all. But, maybe you do, well then you must ask!
You see, lifestyle questions are crucial! We cannot over-spiritualize everything. Just because the two of you are on the same page faith-wise, it doesn’t mean you should be together. I read somewhere that if couples can agree on these things, it creates a successful relationship and a good foundation.
Faith
Finances
In-laws (Boundaries, etc)
Child-rearing
Roles within the Household
The Major Biblical Red Flag
Back to the true meaning of being unequally yolked, which is not to share the same faith. Here’s what the Bible has to say:
2 Corinthians 6
14 Do not be [g]mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with [h]Belial, or [i]what does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement does [j]the temple of God have with idols? For we are [k]the temple of the living God.
To be mismatched does not only include worship of the same God but also spiritual maturity! Faith is not something to be compromised on when you are a believer! This can be someone new in the faith versus someone who has been walking with God for many years. It’s often challenging when the woman is more spiritually mature. I’ve witnessed personal examples of this and have read biblical stories of similar scenarios. This tug-of-war could come from the man’s role as the head of the household and priest of the home. He sets the spiritual tone.
God’s Grace
God gives grace in areas where two people are unequally yoked, but know this route is challenging. Read for yourself:
1 Corinthians 7
12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not [g]divorce her. 13 And [h]if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not [i]divorce her husband. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through [j]her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, [k]let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called [l]us in peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Keep in mind that God’s instruction is there with purpose. It is not there to stifle us, to cage us in, or to irritate us. He has our best interest at heart. Do not allow disobedience in his word to lead you to heartbreak. Do not look past the most crucial thing when you vet a man for marriage, which is to be on the same page regarding your beliefs. There are two essential decisions that everyone will make in their lives. Number one is their decision and faith in God, affecting where they will spend eternity. Number two is the person whom they choose to marry. One of the results of marrying the wrong person is divorce; the others include sacrificing your mental health, stress, strife, children, lifestyle, etc. Choose to enter this decision through the narrow gate.
Matthew 7
13 “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.
The word of God is him speaking to us; we use biblical examples to apply to our lives.
Please remember that this is an interpretation of a biblical story used for real-life application. As I studied this story, I was led to understand it in the context of dating. We read the Bible, and a familiar passage may one day come alive! Does this happen to you, too? Prayerfully, this may touch a woman’s heart in the dating season. In the Word of God, it says:
2 Timothy 3
16 All Scripture is [i]inspired by God and beneficial for teaching, for [j]rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness;17 so that the man or woman of God may be [k]fully capable, equipped for every good work.
The Bible says NOT to AWAKEN or arouse LOVE before its TIME!
Song of Solomon 8:4
“Swear to me, you daughters of Jerusalem:
[a]Do not disturb or awaken my love
Until she pleases.”
Are you, or have you previously awakened love before properly vetting a man? Before asking those pertinent questions? God wants us to trust him with our love lives and with one of the most important decisions in our lives.
Please share in the comments section what you took from this biblical story. Share your experiences dating, or if you have a different interpretation. There is so much to learn! And I look forward to hearing from you!
Watch the video below of a woman of God teaching how to vet a man for marriage. She provides a unique perspective on “How to Collect Data when Dating” (a phrase she coined). As well as how to choose a Shepherd—Psalms 23 husband, with wisdom and discernment.
Be blessed.
Great advice!