Things I’ve Learned as a Newlywed

As I write this, I stand almost three years and three months deep into my marriage—three blessed years with my God-ordained husband and five total years together. They say that if you’re under five years married, you’re still a newlywed in the honeymoon phase. We promised always to strive to be there.

Not that everything will be or is peaches and cream, but that we would relish in our oneness, indulge in our togetherness, and continue to date each other like we did when we were well…. dating. To keep things new and fresh. 

Three years have passed, and there’s been so much we’ve learned and so much I’ve personally learned—about myself as a woman, wife, and individual. There are so many valuable lessons that sometimes can only be understood in partnership with another human being, and it amazes me daily. Suddenly, you see yourself clearer in both good and bad ways. You may even question yourself. You experience the world with a whole new lens and focal point. 

Marriage is a blessing (IF done right and with the right person) just as much as it is a divine assignment from God. Not an accomplishment, an achievement, or a notch on the belt like society may paint it. It’s not picture-perfect as social media may portray it, not a reward because of something good you’ve done, as your mind may tell you, not a given because you are just so attractive. Two people coming together is indeed the mystery that the Word of God states it is. 

Ephesians 5:31-32

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

No one outside of those two people will seek to or should seek to understand each other better. You leave what you know to cultivate a new family together. This new culture and family you are building comes with spoken and unspoken expectations between you as a pair. It means rewiring and reconditioning your mind and behavior from what you thought you knew or what you were previously taught to this new culture that you two will create as you morph into one. 

Last year, I started listing some of the many things that came to mind when I thought of the whirlwind of my new marriage season. I figured if I didn’t write it down, I wouldn’t be able to capture everything I was learning, recognizing, and working through in this foundational stage in real time. 

Most of what I wrote down started with “Be prepared for.” It occurred to me that before marriage, there was A LOT to prepare for, a lot to know in advance, especially if you seek to be well-informed and well-adapted when the time comes. I chuckled at the fact that many of the things I thought I knew before marriage when put into practice, weren’t as simple as having the knowledge of it. 

There is one MAJOR thing that has made me feel at peace through and through. That is me knowing that the person whom I decided to marry, to be in submission to, to commit my life to, to choose to love, to be on this journey with, was someone who, without a shadow of a doubt, was created for me, and I for him. 

Marriage isn’t always a walk in the park; neither is it meant to be endured. Speaking to single folk: Trust God with your love life and dating; it will make a massive difference in your quality of life when married. Ensure the person you commit to is someone you have received divine confirmation about and are compatible with.

Please read my previous blog post, “A Righteous and Compatible Husband.”

Alright, let’s dive in.

BE PREPARED:

-To Communicate about EVERYTHING

(the uncomfortable, the good, the bad, the ugly)

Ex: Finances, Intimacy, Family, Boundaries, Roles, Work, Whereabouts, Compromise, Travel, Plans and goals for the future, disagreements, spending habits, who’s house to go to for holidays, parenting, grievances)

Marriage will strengthen and put your communication skills to the test. 

– To Move On

Marriage means dying to yourself daily. It means a cycle of practicing forgiveness and moving on immediately, addressing any past or current grudges you may be holding on to.

-To have things not fully discussed in dating/courtship resurfaced in Marriage.

REMEMBER that Marriage is a magnifier! After walking down the aisle, minor and unaddressed issues/concerns suddenly become major. It is better to ask those questions and discuss some of those concerns sooner, for they will surely come out.

-To Notice the positives and negatives of each other’s family dynamics.

For example, you and your spouse may have certain positive memories of your childhood, lessons learned, or seeds planted by your families that you may want to pass down or incorporate into your own household. Specific things that shaped and molded you to be a better person. Either of you may notice these positives. On the other hand, as a spouse, you may observe some interesting generational patterns, behaviors, and interactions among family members of your other half that you may not be fond of.

Every family has dysfunctions or idiosyncracies; it is normal to notice them in your own family of origin or your spouses’. Communicate as a couple about the things you notice, see how you can incorporate the positive, and pray against the negatives so that you do not repeat those in the home you are creating. Remember that we choose our friends but don’t always choose our family. Whatever you notice may be the Holy Spirit speaking to you to continue a cycle, break a cycle, or learn a lesson vicariously through them.

-To Set Boundaries with Family and Friends

The Bible tells us that because of the love a husband should have for his wife (and vice versa), he nourishes and cherishes her like his own body. AND he leaves/cleaves from his parents to become one with her. The Bible also says this is a GREAT mystery. Upon becoming married, I learned it was also a mystery for others. We are not married to our family members. We are married to each other. When you set boundaries with others (whether your family of origin or the friends who have become like family), people will not always understand—the emotional adjustment in the people closest to you as it pertains to this new chapter in life will be very apparent. You may receive passive-aggressive behavior, unawareness, or total confusion, but stand firm that you are creating a solid foundation with your spouse. 

-For your relationship dynamics to change with the people closest to you and accept it. 

An example of this can be that in your singlehood you may have been used to being on the phone multiple times a day at any hour of the day with one specific person or multiple people. It could be friends or family. But as a married person, you may have less time to be on the phone for many reasons. First, your increased responsibility in managing your new home may have zapped your energy, capacity, and desire to do this.

You may find that if you follow your old ways, you cannot prioritize your house because you are so distracted on the phone that nothing gets done, or you cannot multitask. Or you might be used to being on the phone at late hours of the night but your evenings are when you get to connect with your spouse and debrief the day or even to be intimate (we are grown here right…LOL).

You might have been used to doing house visits pretty often to people you are close to, but now that frequency has decreased or stopped altogether because you are tending to your household and your spouse. These are just two examples, but there may be many more that will have the people you grew up with or are in friendship with feeling hurt. Take their reactions as an opportunity to remind them, educate them, or be honest with them about how married life has made your life look a bit different and that you still love and appreciate them. And you will always be there for them as best as possible, checking in with them when you are available.

-To Approach things and tackle issues head-on

(In other words, attack the issue, not each other.) When and if the two of you get into an argument, you must be resolution-focused and not insult-focused.

-To Merge and Blend two Families 

This one was an oversight for me. I was so busy building up me and my spouse’s relationship that I forgot this would mean blending our families. And that as time went on, each of our respective families would have to interact with one another in informal or formal settings. We have had some awkward interactions, especially early on between the two. I can’t say that we won’t continue to have those types of interactions, but we’ve learned not to make other people’s problems our problems. We focus on the fact that the health of our marriage is not dependent on how well others get along. If people get on well, that’s a cherry on top. If not, then it is none of our concern.

-To Be Vulnerable and Naked With One Another

REMEMBER that Marriage is a MIRROR and does not always display our best sides. You must be okay with that and be open and honest enough to resolve issues. Or to become a better version of yourself. In partnership, you will be able to see yourself in a way that you wouldn’t be able to without your spouse. Be open to having transparent and deep conversations. Don’t be afraid to bare your soul to your partner to reach that next level of intimacy in your relationship.

BE COMFORTABLE WITH HEARING SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF FROM YOUR PARTNER.

That brings me to the next one:

-For unresolved internal issues in singlehood to come up in Marriage

For example, if you know you have past or current traumas from adulthood and childhood or are dealing with low self-esteem or low self-worth, addictions, abandonment issues, codependencies, etc. Please seek a therapist to help you work through those emotions, feelings, or reoccurring behaviors. It’s always best to enter a relationship WHOLE and not in a broken state. Of course, we cannot control when the person God has for us enters our lives, nor will we ever be perfect. God may allow that person to come in while you heal; everyone’s story is different. What we CAN CONTROL is what we do to MAXIMIZE OUR SINGLENESS. And one of those things is to get our spiritual and mental health in order.

-To Learn to love unconditionally.

Understanding what marriage looks like is very important. Love should be the main component of this union. Contrary to what the media portrays, love is not JUST a feeling. If we line it up with the biblical definition, love is an ACTION word. Love is not just about gifts or grandiose gestures. Please study how God defines love, understand it, and seek to apply it in every relationship you have, including your romantic one.

1 Corinthians 13

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. ⁵ It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, ⁶ it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷ it ^[b]keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.⁸ Love never fails;

– To Watch your mouth

Be direct, be expressive, and communicate frequently about issues, BUT always be KIND. Be aware of your partner’s triggers, sensitive topics, your tone, and profanity.

-To Practice Active Listening

In having discussions and conversations with your spouse, give them your full undivided attention. Listen to understand and not to respond. This takes so much practice! But it will allow the other person to feel like their voice and opinions matter and that they are valued.

-To Be your spouse’s first point of contact and make them yours (Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically, and Communicatively) 

The sharing and exchanging of ideas and emotions between two individuals in a marriage should be shared with those two before anyone else. Your spouse should be the first person you run to and tell when you have something good or bad going on or want to talk. There should be a heavy emphasis on friendship in Marriage. Your spouse should be your BEST FRIEND, and if not, this should be something you both are actively working towards. You will see the world of difference it makes. When married Your dad, mom, brother, sister, girls, or homeboys shouldn’t be the first person you run to when you have good or bad news to share. It should be your spouse.  

-For things to sometimes get worse after communicating before they get better or resolved. Don’t let this deter you from having a conversation. Stay encouraged. 

-REMEMBER during conflict that you are supposed to be on the same team, not opposing teams.

When you understand this, you will be less likely to throw out insults or to get easily offended. You should both have each other’s best interests at heart. Your laser focus on this can help you learn how to disagree better and come to a resolution quicker.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED TO DO AND NOT TO DO IN MARRIAGE:

-Don’t allow your marriage to be a glass house

Don’t make your marriage or very intimate things within the marriage transparent to others. Major issues should not be common knowledge to outsiders to peer in at or to critique. There is a heavy emphasis on “marriage” because when you are dating, sometimes you should share things with trusted and experienced family or friends so that you may make an informed decision in a long-term partnership. The Bible says in Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall, But in the multitude of counselors there is a safety.

-Create an island for yourselves

Keep in the honeymoon phase. Prioritize each other and God above all else or others. Obviously, there are seasons in life that may require a lot of attention., (like child rearing or an aging parent). But you must put each other first.

-Marriage counseling should be thought of as a preventative measure and should be ongoing.

Get into the habit of going to therapy together even before a blow-up. Do weekly or daily check-ins between the two of you or with a third party to assess and maintain the health of your relationship.

-REMEMBER, your partner is not your savior; God is.

Sometimes, as women, we think that having a man will solve all our problems, but it won’t. Although your husband should represent Christ in the home, he is not THE CHRIST. Please keep this in mind. As I stated earlier, a man cannot patch any ongoing internal issues you have not addressed. You will not and should not put all your burdens of expectations on him. Learn how to take things to God in prayer. You should have and strive for peace in your Marriage, but remember that the source of all peace is Jesus, for he is the Prince of Peace. 

-Don’t nag.

(speaking to just the woman on this one) A contentious wife/woman is mentioned three times in Proverbs, and as women, admittedly, it can be hard to pick and choose battles. So, when you have something you’ve already repeated multiple times. Remember the frequency of you bringing up a contentious issue and the timing. Is your spouse just coming home from work? About to go to sleep? Just waking up?

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to live on a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19

It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and irritating woman.

Proverbs 25:24

It is better to live on a corner of the roof, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

-Prioritize God in your relationship

Make time in your schedule for God. This could be through weekly or daily devotions, bible studies, or praying together. Whatever that looks like for the two of you, do it! The decisions you make should always be made with pleasing God in mind. God should be the center of everything you both do. this goes without saying, but I will say it anyway.

-Prioritize Quality Time

Don’t neglect your quality time! There should be some daily undivided attention if possible. Whether in communication (if travel and separation are involved) or physically, go on a weekly date night. The two of you create the culture in your relationship. So it’s up to you ultimately, but both parties should be fulfilled. Continue to date and pursue each other, even in marriage!

-Identify your spouse’s love language so that you may give them gifts of love they value.

Based on Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” You and your partner’s love languages may include Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Receiving Gifts. Seek to discover what those are for each other and keep a mental note on how to please your spouse. There is even a quiz online! Check it out!

-Keep your marital woes between you and a trusted third party.

Due to our families’ natural biases, we should beware of sharing our marital grievances with family members. In doing so, when the two of you kiss and makeup, it will eliminate any animosity from others around you. This practice allows you to protect your partner in your family’s eyes and protects your family from bitterness or judgment.

-Create A Safe Space for each other

Creating a safe space encourages increased intimacy and oneness through active listening, no judgment, and constructive criticism. Be each other’s peace.

-Overcommunicate throughout the day to stay connected

Maybe you both are extremely busy during the day and apart from each other until evening on a daily. You can text to check in or call to hear each other’s voice at different periods of the day. Maybe during a lunch break or when you’re off to your next destination. To see how the other person feels and observe their mood of the hour or day because you care.

-Create a mission for your Marriage and consistently talk about future goals and plans to stay on track

A marriage mission can be what you want your marriage to stand for, how you want to show up in the world, how you want to raise your kids, what you want life to look like in the future, financial goals, spiritual goals, etc. Maybe you both are passionate about serving and make it a goal to do community service together. Or you both are called to ministry. You may want to take on leadership positions in your local church, to do missions, or to evangelize. Maybe you both value financial freedom. You may seek to work on being debt-free, creating businesses, and building generational wealth. Whatever that is for you guys, think about it, write it down, and work towards these common goals.

-You should both aim to make each other’s lives easier

There is and should be a benefit in having found your life teammate.

-The home the two of you create should be your solace from the outside world.

Make it comfortable to be in, both physically and spiritually.

Maybe you are a newlywed and searching for other relatable experiences, someone in your single season who wants to be prepared, or a seasoned marriage vet who wants to pass the info along. I pray that what I’ve learned and what you have just read will allow you to gain some insight into things to expect in marriage and what you can work on beforehand, as I have learned as a newlywed. And that the Information is of value to you. Please let me know what lessons you agree or disagree with. I would love the discussion!

Be blessed!

Do You Know How To Properly Vet A Man for Marriage?

The Story of Jacob

We tend to emphasize women being a Proverbs 31 Woman. Virtuous in all her ways. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 that He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord. This verse implies that as Godly women, we are to embody the qualities and characteristics of what a wife should be, even before “officially” becoming one. That means carrying yourself as someone who will be a wife and the representation of her future husband. 

A Righteous Husband

But what can be said about a righteous husband? What are the implications of choosing a husband who is not honest or who has a questionable past? A man who hasn’t upheld high moral character before marriage. What are the consequences of choosing a man with a history of unrighteousness? How can his past decisions affect his wife or family’s future? What are the identifiable patterns in his family of origins’ lineage? How can you vet a man for marriage, and what are the right questions to ask?

Those questions bring me to the story of Jacob. Jacob is the son of Isaac and grandson of the notable Abraham, whom God made a covenant with. Abraham is considered the father of Jews. You can read the story of Jacob in Genesis chapter 27. Feel free to go further back into Genesis to read the story of his parents and grandparents.

The Story of Jacob

As you read Jacob’s story, he convinces his older twin brother Esau to give up his birthright by bartering it for a pot of soup that he made: 

Genesis 25

27 When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a [o]civilized man, living in tents. 28 Now Isaac loved Esau because [p]he had a taste for game; but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 When Jacob had cooked a stew one day, Esau came in from the field and he was exhausted; 30 and Esau said to Jacob, “Please let me have a mouthful of [q]that red stuff there, for I am exhausted.” Therefore he was called [r]Edom by name. 31 But Jacob said, “[s]First sell me your birthright.” 32 Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so of what use then is the birthright to me?” 33 And Jacob said, “[t]First swear to me”; so he swore an oath to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and got up and went on his way. So Esau despised his birthright.

In Jewish culture, the oldest son was to get double the inheritance or double the wealth of his father, also known as his birthright. Jacob was going against the grain and trying to manipulate his older brother into giving that up. He acquired this birthright through his father’s deception, with his mother’s help. I encourage you to study in further detail. 

Their mother, Rebekah, feared that Esau (the older brother) would kill Jacob and instructed Jacob to flee to her hometown of Haran to her brother Laban. Isaac (Jacob’s father) blesses him and commands him to take a wife from one of the daughters of Laban. Laban eventually becomes his father-in-law. Through deception, Laban has Jacob marry both of his daughters. One of which Jacob loves, the other he doesn’t and isn’t attracted to. He ends up working for 14 years for his father-in-law, in order to wed the woman his heart truly desired.

I have often heard many Christians upset at the fact that God allowed for the deception of Jacob by his father-in-law. The deception brought him as far as marrying the unattractive older sister Leah, whom he did not love.

Using A Biblical Story to Vet a Man (Potential Prospect)

What is often an oversight is that God is a just God. We don’t know his mind, but if we look deeper than the surface level, we see that just as Jacob’s father-in-law deceived him, Jacob deceived his brother. With the help of his mother, he successfully tricked his father into giving him his older brother’s inheritance/blessing, contrary to Jewish tradition. I believe he ended up paying for his deceit in the future. 

If we investigate Jacob’s family, we see that his mom, Rebekah, conspired, and he conspired to steal Esau’s blessing. And he seems to be on the receiving end of deceit himself. Lying runs rampant within this family. When I backtracked into the word, I was reminded of something. His father (Isaac) and grandfather (Abraham) both lied the same lie in the exact location to the same person! They both lied about their wives being only their sisters (to the same King). Fearing the King would kill them to steal their wives (because of both women’s beauty).

What would have been the outcome of fate and history if, while Jacob was admiring Rachel, she asked him what his story was? How and why did he come to that village? What was he running from? What does his nuclear family background look like? Would she have still agreed to marry him? Shared his interest in her? Endured all the dysfunction and drama in their marriage? The dysfunction of jealousy between her and her older sister and the ensuing strife. 

Leah is jealous of the love her husband has for her younger sister, Rachel, and competes with her for his love. On the flip side, Rachel’s jealousy stems from the comparison of her fertility to Leah’s. Leah is able to many children for Jacob, immediately and frequently. While Rachel has been infertile for years. The Lord does eventually open her womb. The root of this envious relationship is the polygamist marriage initiated by their father, Laban. I believe this forced polygamy resulted from Jacob reaping the harvest of his prior deceit.

Genesis 30:1

Now when Rachel saw that she had not borne Jacob any children, [a]she became jealous of her sister; and she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or else I am going to die.

Genesis 30: 14 

Now in the days of wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrake fruits in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” 15 But she said to her, “Is it a small matter for you to take my husband? And would you take my son’s mandrakes also?” So Rachel said, “Therefore he may sleep with you tonight in return for your son’s mandrakes.”

I say all this as a reminder to you ladies that while being a virtuous woman, you should select a husband who is your reciprocal, as this can affect the trajectory of your life. We live in modern times (as it pertains to mate selection), and this works to our advantage. It means we can choose our spouses. Some may argue that this is to our detriment and that arranged marriages have a higher success rate. There can be an argument made for that. 

With us making spousal decisions, we have the power and free will to decline a man’s advances if we don’t feel that it is a match or if we don’t feel comfortable. Just because a suitor expresses interest does not mean we have to open that door. Do not allow just anyone to lay claim to you. Exert your authority and seek God’s guidance in dating. Peace should be the overwhelming feeling when the person is from the Lord.

As women, we cannot let our passivity or fear of rejecting someone propel us into a relationship we weren’t meant to be in. Or even more commonly, we allow the anxiety of our biological clocks and lack of faith in God to provide us with a spouse, driving us to settle with a partner that is no good! Please do not allow your hunger (whether lust of the flesh or lack of faith) to make you sell your birthright, as Esau sold his to his brother! No partner is better than the wrong one! Your season of singleness is not a disease! Singlehood is a gift and a blessing, just like marriage to the right person is a gift and a blessing.

Things to Inquire About When Dating, as from the Story of Jacob

ASK HIM:

What is your faith? What is your religion?

In the Story of Jacob, his parents were first concerned with him marrying someone from a familiar bloodline. We can interpret this to mean marrying someone or marrying into a family of the same faith as us. This should be the first thing you inquire about Ladies!

Are there any negative patterns within your family?

There is an obvious generational pattern of deceit and lying on Jacob’s end. He also has a strained relationship with his twin brother, which causes him to flee. When you get to know someone, it is good to inquire or allow the person to open up about their family. A person’s family can tell us much about what you can be getting yourself into before and after marriage. 

Are they able to recognize those things? Have they prayed against the dysfunction? Or prayed explicitly that the pattern they notice will stop with them?

Are there any unresolved conflicts they have with any family members? If so, what are they? And who are they in conflict with? Which family members are they closest to? How close are they to them? How do they feel about boundaries in marriage? Do they feel like boundaries need to be set with parents and siblings in marriage?

We see something that can be an oversight when we overspiritualize things. Jacob was not attracted to Leah, the older sister. Men must be attracted to us! They are visually wired! This is one of many reasons why we should allow men to approach us. This is to protect us and reassure us that when they approach, it is because they want to! Laban, Jacob’s father-in-law, forced his daughter on someone who wasn’t attracted to her, setting her up to feel unloved. Therefore, if a suitor comes up to us, we don’t even need to inquire if he is attracted because it’s apparent that he is.

In the same breath, we must also ask ourselves:

Am I attracted to HIM?

Attraction on both ends is essential!

Don’t be afraid to ask those critical questions. Questions can provide insight into a man’s history and relationship with others, including his family. Modes of behavior that he deems as acceptable or unacceptable. Ask questions about his family background (not that we are all products of our environments). With this, you can see if the person has risen above the dysfunction, toxicity, or character flaws in their bloodline. When dating, we must pray that men we are not Ordained to be with will not cling to us. And pray that we may make a sound decision for a future spouse. Take mental notes and decide when to move forward in a relationship and when not to. Do not feel the need to attach yourself to someone prematurely.

Dating Questions to Ask Before Becoming Official

You should be asking questions throughout your whole dating process. Now is the time. Too often, we see unsuccessful or failed marriages happen when two people don’t ask the right questions, or any at all. I remember my husband having a whole questions folder for me that he saved in the Notes app on his iPhone. He was so intentional about getting to know me, and I found it endearing. He was also very transparent. I had many questions to ask him but didn’t need to because he was already sharing. Transparency in a man is a very important quality. You can trust him because he is willing to share and does it without being asked.

Here are some more questions that can be asked and discussed:

What’s your outlook on dating? What does dating look like to you?

What’s your dating history? 

Do you see yourself getting married?  

What are your thoughts on sex before marriage? Abstinence?

Have you ever had a run-in with the law? Any past dealings in crime? 

Have you been married before? How many times? If so, is your divorce finalized? Why did the two of you divorce? What did you learn from that prior marriage? What would you do differently?

Do you have children? How many?

Health status? Genetic illnesses, etc.

Ask yourself:

Are you at peace with the answers he gave to those questions? Are you settling? Think introspectively.

We have to go through hoops and loops of verification and questioning like credit reports and background checks to purchase homes and cars or even to be gainfully employed. So why not one of the most important decisions of our lives (spouse selection)?

P.S. Ladies, please be prepared and okay with him asking you the same questions or more in return. We should have standards, and so should the men we are dating.

The Gold Standard in Mate Selection & The Husband’s Role

Our husbands are to wash us and consecrate us. Just as Christ does with his bride (the church), this relationship is our blueprint for marriage. How can an ungodly man lead, protect, or set an example for us? 

Ephesians 5

22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

The Bible is full of imperfect men of God. We are all imperfect and fall short of the glory of God. I am sure God’s son Jacob, was not all bad, but let us learn from his story. We know he was a man of God, from the lineage of God, as God does not make a covenant with those of bad seed. 

Abstract Questions to ask yourself about your suitor

We are told in God’s word to be equally yoked. But, please remember: Not every man of God is meant to be your husband. Just because he and you are Christian does not mean you are compatible; don’t get caught up in this myth. If we are to be submissive, we should be able to “submit to the vision of the man.”

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I know where this man is going in life?

What are his long-term goals? Short-term goals? Where will he be leading us? (How can you submit to a man or trust him if you don’t like where he is headed? Ask him these questions. That way, you can get a glimpse into what life could look like for the two of you.

Do I admire him as a person?

You see, as a woman, our submission and respect for a man are often wrapped up in our admiration of him. You should look up to him as an individual but also as your future husband and God-willing father of your children. Beware, if you don’t admire this man, it won’t be that surprising that you will not be able to respect him. If everything he does irritates you, alarms you, or you feel the need to correct, these may be clues.

Do I respect him?

Equally Yoked in Spirit but not in Lifestyle.

Do I want to take part in the lifestyle he’s currently living or the one he talks about in the future?

In dating, observe how a person is living and decide whether you want to join him in his current lifestyle. If not, does he talk about upgrading or downgrading in the future? For example, you are a woman who loves to be wined, dined, and gifted. Is your suitor on the frugal side? He may deem fine dining unnecessary or outrageous or consider it frivolous spending. Maybe he doesn’t have the financial means to wine and dine you, but if he did, he would. Will he have the means in the future, or is he at his earning capacity? Are you okay with this? 

Maybe he is a very simple man, and it’s not even a thought for him, but he has other redeeming qualities. Will you overlook something you value or think it to be inconsiderate? Will you still be able to appreciate him in the long run? Generally speaking, you guys talk about getting married in the future, and he mentions furnishing the house within two years, whereas you would like to get those major pieces within six months. 

Can he afford to purchase a home? Has he been a good steward of his money while single in preparation to be a husband and provider of the household? 

Do you want to move to a totally new place or territory once married to cultivate your life together? Or does he want to stay in his hometown? Does one of you prefer to stay close to family? Maybe he talks of moving his aging parents in with him at a certain point, or perhaps it’s something you would like. Are you in agreement? What is your stance on living with family?

Do we agree on the roles we would play in our household if we get married?

Is he a traditionalist? Are you a traditionalist? Will you want to be a stay-at-home wife or mother in the future? Does he agree with this? Or maybe he wants you to stay at home after having children. Will you be okay with this? Does he believe in the man being the primary breadwinner or sole provider of the household? Does he want you to financially contribute a percentage towards the bills?

Does he eat leftovers or want fresh food to be cooked daily? This may seem like a funny question, but I remember working with many older women who would mention that their husbands did not eat leftovers, and for years, they would cook fresh food multiple times a day. One coworker told me she woke up at dawn to meal prep every day. Those spoken experiences caused me to ask this question to my now husband while dating. And much to my relief, he was a leftover eater. Haha! You may be reading this and saying I don’t mind at all. But, maybe you do, well then you must ask!

You see, lifestyle questions are crucial! We cannot over-spiritualize everything. Just because the two of you are on the same page faith-wise, it doesn’t mean you should be together. I read somewhere that if couples can agree on these things, it creates a successful relationship and a good foundation.

Faith

Finances

In-laws (Boundaries, etc)

Child-rearing

Roles within the Household

The Major Biblical Red Flag

Back to the true meaning of being unequally yolked, which is not to share the same faith. Here’s what the Bible has to say:

2 Corinthians 6

14 Do not be [g]mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with [h]Belial, or [i]what does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement does [j]the temple of God have with idols? For we are [k]the temple of the living God. 

To be mismatched does not only include worship of the same God but also spiritual maturity! Faith is not something to be compromised on when you are a believer! This can be someone new in the faith versus someone who has been walking with God for many years. It’s often challenging when the woman is more spiritually mature. I’ve witnessed personal examples of this and have read biblical stories of similar scenarios. This tug-of-war could come from the man’s role as the head of the household and priest of the home. He sets the spiritual tone.

God’s Grace

God gives grace in areas where two people are unequally yoked, but know this route is challenging. Read for yourself:

1 Corinthians 7

12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not [g]divorce her. 13 And [h]if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not [i]divorce her husband. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through [j]her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, [k]let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called [l]us in peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Keep in mind that God’s instruction is there with purpose. It is not there to stifle us, to cage us in, or to irritate us. He has our best interest at heart. Do not allow disobedience in his word to lead you to heartbreak. Do not look past the most crucial thing when you vet a man for marriage, which is to be on the same page regarding your beliefs. There are two essential decisions that everyone will make in their lives. Number one is their decision and faith in God, affecting where they will spend eternity. Number two is the person whom they choose to marry. One of the results of marrying the wrong person is divorce; the others include sacrificing your mental health, stress, strife, children, lifestyle, etc. Choose to enter this decision through the narrow gate. 

Matthew 7 

13 “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.

The word of God is him speaking to us; we use biblical examples to apply to our lives. 

Please remember that this is an interpretation of a biblical story used for real-life application. As I studied this story, I was led to understand it in the context of dating. We read the Bible, and a familiar passage may one day come alive! Does this happen to you, too? Prayerfully, this may touch a woman’s heart in the dating season. In the Word of God, it says:

2 Timothy 3

16 All Scripture is [i]inspired by God and beneficial for teaching, for [j]rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness;17 so that the man or woman of God may be [k]fully capable, equipped for every good work.

The Bible says NOT to AWAKEN or arouse LOVE before its TIME!

Song of Solomon 8:4

“Swear to me, you daughters of Jerusalem:
^[a]Do not disturb or awaken my love
Until she pleases.”

Are you, or have you previously awakened love before properly vetting a man? Before asking those pertinent questions? God wants us to trust him with our love lives and with one of the most important decisions in our lives.

Please share in the comments section what you took from this biblical story. Share your experiences dating, or if you have a different interpretation. There is so much to learn! And I look forward to hearing from you!

Watch the video below of a woman of God teaching how to vet a man for marriage. She provides a unique perspective on “How to Collect Data when Dating” (a phrase she coined). As well as how to choose a Shepherd—Psalms 23 husband, with wisdom and discernment. 

Be blessed.