How You Can Develop Emotional Control

Hello Lovely, 

Have you ever found yourself in a season of being frequently triggered by everyone and everything? For example, it could be negative comments made by family members, friends, or colleagues, all within a short time. Or multiple interactions that have left you feeling uncomfortable. And even similar interactions with people have left you feeling drained energetically, working on the last nerve you had for the day. What about scrolling down your social media timeline only to feel anxious, unaccomplished, and purposeless? All of these examples could have one’s emotions spiraling. 

BEING UNBOTHERED TO COMBAT OUR TRIGGERS

Typically when we find ourselves triggered, the root of it boils down to five primary emotions; fear, offense, envy, sadness, and irritation. A trigger is a stressor, which could lead to an adverse emotional reaction. I am sure you have heard the popular term being unbothered. A state of being in which a person is unaffected by things that would bother most. Wouldn’t it be lovely to go through life peacefully, knowing that no one could affect you emotionally? Is being unbothered even realistic? Is it biblical?

When we encounter terms in our world that become normalized, it is good to know God’s views on them, so we search for the answers in the Bible. The Bible says wisdom comes from the word of the Lord (Jeremiah 8:9) and that one should pursue it. Hearing the word of the Lord is the first step in acquiring wisdom; the second is aligning your heart to receive/understand this wisdom (Proverbs 2:1). To receive something in your heart means that you accept it as truth and you apply it to your life. True wisdom is APPLIED to one’s life. Let us be doers of the word and not just hearers only, as it says in (Jeremiah 1:22-25). Let us not just memorize scriptures but inscribe them on our hearts to use in times of need. 

Emotional Control: The Biblical Answer

Ephesians 4:26 says Be angry but do not sin. Therein lies our biblical answer. God recognizes that we as humans have emotions and that they come naturally. He is not telling us to ignore these feelings; instead, he gives us something more powerful. Be angry, but DON’T SIN, and don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. There are two aspects of this command. First, allow yourself to feel how you feel, whether anger, hurt, irritation, etc., but do NOT sit in that emotion for too long. Sitting in one’s feelings for too long can cause an onslaught of things, including hardening of the heart, bitterness, resentment, rage, anxiety, depression, gossip, ruminating thoughts, and more. He is leading us on a path of EMOTIONAL CONTROL.

Adults must understand that WE are responsible for our triggers, whatever the root cause. Therefore, we should not walk into life thinking that others will change to accommodate us, but instead, learn to have emotional control. The only thing we can do is change our reactions/responses to various triggers. As a Christian, having emotional control is significant because we are to be a good testimony to unbelievers. We can’t do that by being emotionally unstable or numbing ourselves into a faux state of unbothered ness. We are to be examples to others through good conduct, which comes from true wisdom according to the word (James 3:13).

EMOTIONAL CONTROL CONCERNING FEMININITY

Now, how does developing emotional control apply to femininity? As women, we are wired emotionally. It is biological. What does this mean? It means that God created us with a complex reproductive system that goes through a monthly cycle that affects our hormone levels. I am sure you are familiar with the two reproductive hormones estrogen and progesterone, but you may need to become more familiar with their functions or the effect it has on the body. Women produce higher amounts of these two in comparison to men. Because men do not go through a monthly cycle, their hormone levels are stabilized, which means fewer, if any, mood swings. Women go through periods of the month where these specific hormones dip high and low. Estrogen increases the brain’s serotonin levels (a hormone associated with happiness), and progesterone has the opposite depressing effect. Below is an Infograph which shows visually the stability in the rise and fall of male hormones daily. In comparison to the drastic shifts in hormone levels for women on a monthly basis.

With all this being said, as women, we must take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Whatever you are thinking, causing you to feel what you feel, align it with God. The Bible says, “the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down.” That’s how vital a role we play in our homes and society is. Our biology is not to be used as an excuse for poor control. So how do we use the Word of God to combat these emotions bound to rise within us? 

Let’s study what the word has to say. 

Emotional Control Tips: Bringing The Emotions Into Subjection

OFFENSE

When it comes to offense, we have all been there. Someone says something to offend us, and at first, shock turns into dismay, then rage or irritation, ending in bitterness. Offense can make us feel on guard like we have to fight back with our words, especially if there’s a clue that the person has offended us intentionally. It is essential to ask God to give us emotional intelligence. This emotional intelligence will help us understand that what people say often are projections of their insecurities and look at it from another perspective. On the other hand, we may get offended by hearing the truth; however gently it may have been delivered. The prior is something we must assess and reconcile within ourselves. 

Have Emotional Intelligence

In dealing with people’s projections and insecurities, we must remember to harvest the fruit of the spirit; patience (Galatians 5:23).

The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, skillful in teaching, patient when wronged (2 Timothy 2:24).

1 Peter 3:9. ‘Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.

He does not want us to insult a person to get even. This is a part of having emotional intelligence. 

When people say offensive things out of hate and to embarrass, we also have to get comfortable with God being our defender and protector. The sooner we understand this, the less emotional we get when we feel offended because we know he is a just God, and if we need vindication, he will vindicate us. 

Psalm 23:5 

He prepares a table for us in the presence of our enemies. 

Romans 12:19 

Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.

Matthew 5:44

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Though these scriptures may seem extreme because they give us a picture of warfare, battlegrounds, and enemies, we must understand that offense can cause us to view people as our enemies; if indeed they are, then have no worries because God has your back. 

Offense can sometimes come from people telling us a truth we cannot handle, magnifying our insecurities. Meditate on this verse as a prayer so that God can reveal to you whether or not there are some things you can improve. 

Psalm 139:23-24

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

²⁴ And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

But how do we respond to those we are offended by, whether the offense was intentional or unintentional?

Say less

James 1:19 

The Bible tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Put this into practice whenever you feel like lashing out against someone who has offended you. Do not allow others to control your emotions and get you riled up. 

Proverbs 18:2

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. 

Bring it up

The Lord does not want us to cower in fear; on the contrary, he wants us to develop the communication skills necessary to address our issues with others in a non-confrontational and personal way.

Matthew 18:25

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 

Delivery

So how do you tell the person the fault you have with them? Below is a scripture that gives us insight into our delivery when addressing others. 

Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so you know how to respond to each person. (Colossians 4:6)

Forgive

When we have patience with people plus emotional intelligence, it allows us to understand they may have their own issues and that even if they intentionally try to offend us, God has our back; the last thing to do is forgive and move on.

Colossians 3:12–13

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Ephesians 4:2-3

 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

ENVY/COMPARISON

In the age of social media, there is a constant update on the lives of others. Social media can be a source of inspiration and encouragement but also the source of many evils, including comparison, which can lead to anxiety, jealousy, and envy. If you are in a constant cycle of envy and comparison due to social media, you may need to detox from it fast or eliminate your accounts. 

Matthew 5:30 

And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is. Better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

We know covetousness is a sin (Exodus 20:17), and envy is the root. Therefore, do not be attached to anything causing you to sin. Everyone has different weaknesses, and if social media fuels competition in you or envy, it may be best to limit or eliminate your usage. 

Envy and comparison can persist outside of social media. We must remember that we should be grateful for God’s blessings. There’s always someone with less. 

Meditate on these scriptures:

1 Timothy 6:6

Godliness with contentment produces great gain

The key to keeping comparison and envy in check is to be grateful and content with what God has blessed you and celebrate with others. Another God-given key is to busy yourself with your affairs; that way, you can be proud of your accomplishments. In doing so, you know you have worked hard towards fulfilling your purpose. 

Galatians 6:4

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.

This combination of wisdom given to us will leave no room for envy.

Remember to be GRATEFUL FOR YOUR BLESSINGS, BE CONTENT, BUSY YOURSELF, and CELEBRATE OTHERS

FEAR

Fear is a common emotion that can lead to many complex ones like worry, ruminating thoughts, anxiety, and health issues. However, just because it is common does not mean it is from God.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of a sound mind.

Remember to take your fearful thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. Developing emotional control is imperative because our thoughts result from our emotions. And if the Bible tells us that he has not put in us a spirit of fear, you must rebuke it! The spirit of power, love, and a sound mind should be what combats this spirit of fear. Try to understand and identify your concerns and bring them to the Lord in prayer.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Whenever you get that tinge of fear, the first point of action should be to bow your head in prayer.

HURT/GRIEF

Jesus wept (John 11:35), which is said to be the shortest verse in the Bible. At this moment, he was grieving the death of his friend Lazarus just before he resurrected him. So, we see that even Jesus felt pain, grief, and hurt while on this earth. 

There are many scriptures where God reassures us of his proximity to us in times of pain. Whether that be heartbreak, the death of a loved one, or feelings of loneliness, his main encouragement is that he understands and is near us, even when we feel alone. Understanding the gospel and how these feelings of pain are temporary compared to the eternal life to be lived by God’s believers and followers should be something to look forward to; the light at the end of a tunnel in moments and seasons of hurt. 

Please meditate on these words:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything and, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

A time to weep and a time to laugh

Revelation 21:4

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

IRRITATION

Irritation is an interesting emotion because it can come from anywhere. The source could be for no good reason besides you getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Or it could be from those biological mood swings we discussed earlier. Lastly, it could be as deep as having a lack of patience or being victimized by another based on prior interactions—either way, the Lord wants to deal with our irritation. The irritation causes us to show disdain for people and a lack of patience, caused by stress or a byproduct of anger. 

Remember these scriptures when you feel yourself in this emotional space:

 James 1:19 

You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;

Galatians 5:22

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

There is much more to unpack and scripture to aid us in developing emotional control. This study of the word taught me how much wisdom is available if we are willing to pursue it. God deems nothing too small to be focused on, including our emotions. Nor does he leave us ill-equipped for self-development. 

Remember, ladies, we are emotional beings but must have emotional control. Our well-being depends on it.

I hope this blesses you in reading as much as it blessed me in writing. God bless you.

P.S. Check out the previous blog post on Creating a Soft Life. I hope you enjoy it!