Newlywed Marriage Lessons

Things I’ve Learned as a Newlywed

As I write this, I stand almost three years and three months deep into my marriage—three blessed years with my God-ordained husband and five total years together. They say that if you’re under five years married, you’re still a newlywed in the honeymoon phase. We promised always to strive to be there.

Not that everything will be or is peaches and cream, but that we would relish in our oneness, indulge in our togetherness, and continue to date each other like we did when we were well…. dating. To keep things new and fresh. 

Three years have passed, and there’s been so much we’ve learned and so much I’ve personally learned—about myself as a woman, wife, and individual. There are so many valuable lessons that sometimes can only be understood in partnership with another human being, and it amazes me daily. Suddenly, you see yourself clearer in both good and bad ways. You may even question yourself. You experience the world with a whole new lens and focal point. 

Marriage is a blessing (IF done right and with the right person) just as much as it is a divine assignment from God. Not an accomplishment, an achievement, or a notch on the belt like society may paint it. It’s not picture-perfect as social media may portray it, not a reward because of something good you’ve done, as your mind may tell you, not a given because you are just so attractive. Two people coming together is indeed the mystery that the Word of God states it is. 

Ephesians 5:31-32

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

No one outside of those two people will seek to or should seek to understand each other better. You leave what you know to cultivate a new family together. This new culture and family you are building comes with spoken and unspoken expectations between you as a pair. It means rewiring and reconditioning your mind and behavior from what you thought you knew or what you were previously taught to this new culture that you two will create as you morph into one. 

Last year, I started listing some of the many things that came to mind when I thought of the whirlwind of my new marriage season. I figured if I didn’t write it down, I wouldn’t be able to capture everything I was learning, recognizing, and working through in this foundational stage in real time. 

Most of what I wrote down started with “Be prepared for.” It occurred to me that before marriage, there was A LOT to prepare for, a lot to know in advance, especially if you seek to be well-informed and well-adapted when the time comes. I chuckled at the fact that many of the things I thought I knew before marriage when put into practice, weren’t as simple as having the knowledge of it. 

There is one MAJOR thing that has made me feel at peace through and through. That is me knowing that the person whom I decided to marry, to be in submission to, to commit my life to, to choose to love, to be on this journey with, was someone who, without a shadow of a doubt, was created for me, and I for him. 

Marriage isn’t always a walk in the park; neither is it meant to be endured. Speaking to single folk: Trust God with your love life and dating; it will make a massive difference in your quality of life when married. Ensure the person you commit to is someone you have received divine confirmation about and are compatible with.

Please read my previous blog post, “A Righteous and Compatible Husband.”

Alright, let’s dive in.

BE PREPARED:

-To Communicate about EVERYTHING

(the uncomfortable, the good, the bad, the ugly)

Ex: Finances, Intimacy, Family, Boundaries, Roles, Work, Whereabouts, Compromise, Travel, Plans and goals for the future, disagreements, spending habits, who’s house to go to for holidays, parenting, grievances)

Marriage will strengthen and put your communication skills to the test. 

– To Move On

Marriage means dying to yourself daily. It means a cycle of practicing forgiveness and moving on immediately, addressing any past or current grudges you may be holding on to.

-To have things not fully discussed in dating/courtship resurfaced in Marriage.

REMEMBER that Marriage is a magnifier! After walking down the aisle, minor and unaddressed issues/concerns suddenly become major. It is better to ask those questions and discuss some of those concerns sooner, for they will surely come out.

-To Notice the positives and negatives of each other’s family dynamics.

For example, you and your spouse may have certain positive memories of your childhood, lessons learned, or seeds planted by your families that you may want to pass down or incorporate into your own household. Specific things that shaped and molded you to be a better person. Either of you may notice these positives. On the other hand, as a spouse, you may observe some interesting generational patterns, behaviors, and interactions among family members of your other half that you may not be fond of.

Every family has dysfunctions or idiosyncracies; it is normal to notice them in your own family of origin or your spouses’. Communicate as a couple about the things you notice, see how you can incorporate the positive, and pray against the negatives so that you do not repeat those in the home you are creating. Remember that we choose our friends but don’t always choose our family. Whatever you notice may be the Holy Spirit speaking to you to continue a cycle, break a cycle, or learn a lesson vicariously through them.

-To Set Boundaries with Family and Friends

The Bible tells us that because of the love a husband should have for his wife (and vice versa), he nourishes and cherishes her like his own body. AND he leaves/cleaves from his parents to become one with her. The Bible also says this is a GREAT mystery. Upon becoming married, I learned it was also a mystery for others. We are not married to our family members. We are married to each other. When you set boundaries with others (whether your family of origin or the friends who have become like family), people will not always understand—the emotional adjustment in the people closest to you as it pertains to this new chapter in life will be very apparent. You may receive passive-aggressive behavior, unawareness, or total confusion, but stand firm that you are creating a solid foundation with your spouse. 

-For your relationship dynamics to change with the people closest to you and accept it. 

An example of this can be that in your singlehood you may have been used to being on the phone multiple times a day at any hour of the day with one specific person or multiple people. It could be friends or family. But as a married person, you may have less time to be on the phone for many reasons. First, your increased responsibility in managing your new home may have zapped your energy, capacity, and desire to do this.

You may find that if you follow your old ways, you cannot prioritize your house because you are so distracted on the phone that nothing gets done, or you cannot multitask. Or you might be used to being on the phone at late hours of the night but your evenings are when you get to connect with your spouse and debrief the day or even to be intimate (we are grown here right…LOL).

You might have been used to doing house visits pretty often to people you are close to, but now that frequency has decreased or stopped altogether because you are tending to your household and your spouse. These are just two examples, but there may be many more that will have the people you grew up with or are in friendship with feeling hurt. Take their reactions as an opportunity to remind them, educate them, or be honest with them about how married life has made your life look a bit different and that you still love and appreciate them. And you will always be there for them as best as possible, checking in with them when you are available.

-To Approach things and tackle issues head-on

(In other words, attack the issue, not each other.) When and if the two of you get into an argument, you must be resolution-focused and not insult-focused.

-To Merge and Blend two Families 

This one was an oversight for me. I was so busy building up me and my spouse’s relationship that I forgot this would mean blending our families. And that as time went on, each of our respective families would have to interact with one another in informal or formal settings. We have had some awkward interactions, especially early on between the two. I can’t say that we won’t continue to have those types of interactions, but we’ve learned not to make other people’s problems our problems. We focus on the fact that the health of our marriage is not dependent on how well others get along. If people get on well, that’s a cherry on top. If not, then it is none of our concern.

-To Be Vulnerable and Naked With One Another

REMEMBER that Marriage is a MIRROR and does not always display our best sides. You must be okay with that and be open and honest enough to resolve issues. Or to become a better version of yourself. In partnership, you will be able to see yourself in a way that you wouldn’t be able to without your spouse. Be open to having transparent and deep conversations. Don’t be afraid to bare your soul to your partner to reach that next level of intimacy in your relationship.

BE COMFORTABLE WITH HEARING SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF FROM YOUR PARTNER.

That brings me to the next one:

-For unresolved internal issues in singlehood to come up in Marriage

For example, if you know you have past or current traumas from adulthood and childhood or are dealing with low self-esteem or low self-worth, addictions, abandonment issues, codependencies, etc. Please seek a therapist to help you work through those emotions, feelings, or reoccurring behaviors. It’s always best to enter a relationship WHOLE and not in a broken state. Of course, we cannot control when the person God has for us enters our lives, nor will we ever be perfect. God may allow that person to come in while you heal; everyone’s story is different. What we CAN CONTROL is what we do to MAXIMIZE OUR SINGLENESS. And one of those things is to get our spiritual and mental health in order.

-To Learn to love unconditionally.

Understanding what marriage looks like is very important. Love should be the main component of this union. Contrary to what the media portrays, love is not JUST a feeling. If we line it up with the biblical definition, love is an ACTION word. Love is not just about gifts or grandiose gestures. Please study how God defines love, understand it, and seek to apply it in every relationship you have, including your romantic one.

1 Corinthians 13

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. ⁵ It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, ⁶ it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷ it ^[b]keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.⁸ Love never fails;

– To Watch your mouth

Be direct, be expressive, and communicate frequently about issues, BUT always be KIND. Be aware of your partner’s triggers, sensitive topics, your tone, and profanity.

-To Practice Active Listening

In having discussions and conversations with your spouse, give them your full undivided attention. Listen to understand and not to respond. This takes so much practice! But it will allow the other person to feel like their voice and opinions matter and that they are valued.

-To Be your spouse’s first point of contact and make them yours (Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically, and Communicatively) 

The sharing and exchanging of ideas and emotions between two individuals in a marriage should be shared with those two before anyone else. Your spouse should be the first person you run to and tell when you have something good or bad going on or want to talk. There should be a heavy emphasis on friendship in Marriage. Your spouse should be your BEST FRIEND, and if not, this should be something you both are actively working towards. You will see the world of difference it makes. When married Your dad, mom, brother, sister, girls, or homeboys shouldn’t be the first person you run to when you have good or bad news to share. It should be your spouse.  

-For things to sometimes get worse after communicating before they get better or resolved. Don’t let this deter you from having a conversation. Stay encouraged. 

-REMEMBER during conflict that you are supposed to be on the same team, not opposing teams.

When you understand this, you will be less likely to throw out insults or to get easily offended. You should both have each other’s best interests at heart. Your laser focus on this can help you learn how to disagree better and come to a resolution quicker.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED TO DO AND NOT TO DO IN MARRIAGE:

-Don’t allow your marriage to be a glass house

Don’t make your marriage or very intimate things within the marriage transparent to others. Major issues should not be common knowledge to outsiders to peer in at or to critique. There is a heavy emphasis on “marriage” because when you are dating, sometimes you should share things with trusted and experienced family or friends so that you may make an informed decision in a long-term partnership. The Bible says in Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall, But in the multitude of counselors there is a safety.

-Create an island for yourselves

Keep in the honeymoon phase. Prioritize each other and God above all else or others. Obviously, there are seasons in life that may require a lot of attention., (like child rearing or an aging parent). But you must put each other first.

-Marriage counseling should be thought of as a preventative measure and should be ongoing.

Get into the habit of going to therapy together even before a blow-up. Do weekly or daily check-ins between the two of you or with a third party to assess and maintain the health of your relationship.

-REMEMBER, your partner is not your savior; God is.

Sometimes, as women, we think that having a man will solve all our problems, but it won’t. Although your husband should represent Christ in the home, he is not THE CHRIST. Please keep this in mind. As I stated earlier, a man cannot patch any ongoing internal issues you have not addressed. You will not and should not put all your burdens of expectations on him. Learn how to take things to God in prayer. You should have and strive for peace in your Marriage, but remember that the source of all peace is Jesus, for he is the Prince of Peace. 

-Don’t nag.

(speaking to just the woman on this one) A contentious wife/woman is mentioned three times in Proverbs, and as women, admittedly, it can be hard to pick and choose battles. So, when you have something you’ve already repeated multiple times. Remember the frequency of you bringing up a contentious issue and the timing. Is your spouse just coming home from work? About to go to sleep? Just waking up?

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to live on a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19

It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and irritating woman.

Proverbs 25:24

It is better to live on a corner of the roof, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

-Prioritize God in your relationship

Make time in your schedule for God. This could be through weekly or daily devotions, bible studies, or praying together. Whatever that looks like for the two of you, do it! The decisions you make should always be made with pleasing God in mind. God should be the center of everything you both do. this goes without saying, but I will say it anyway.

-Prioritize Quality Time

Don’t neglect your quality time! There should be some daily undivided attention if possible. Whether in communication (if travel and separation are involved) or physically, go on a weekly date night. The two of you create the culture in your relationship. So it’s up to you ultimately, but both parties should be fulfilled. Continue to date and pursue each other, even in marriage!

-Identify your spouse’s love language so that you may give them gifts of love they value.

Based on Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” You and your partner’s love languages may include Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Receiving Gifts. Seek to discover what those are for each other and keep a mental note on how to please your spouse. There is even a quiz online! Check it out!

-Keep your marital woes between you and a trusted third party.

Due to our families’ natural biases, we should beware of sharing our marital grievances with family members. In doing so, when the two of you kiss and makeup, it will eliminate any animosity from others around you. This practice allows you to protect your partner in your family’s eyes and protects your family from bitterness or judgment.

-Create A Safe Space for each other

Creating a safe space encourages increased intimacy and oneness through active listening, no judgment, and constructive criticism. Be each other’s peace.

-Overcommunicate throughout the day to stay connected

Maybe you both are extremely busy during the day and apart from each other until evening on a daily. You can text to check in or call to hear each other’s voice at different periods of the day. Maybe during a lunch break or when you’re off to your next destination. To see how the other person feels and observe their mood of the hour or day because you care.

-Create a mission for your Marriage and consistently talk about future goals and plans to stay on track

A marriage mission can be what you want your marriage to stand for, how you want to show up in the world, how you want to raise your kids, what you want life to look like in the future, financial goals, spiritual goals, etc. Maybe you both are passionate about serving and make it a goal to do community service together. Or you both are called to ministry. You may want to take on leadership positions in your local church, to do missions, or to evangelize. Maybe you both value financial freedom. You may seek to work on being debt-free, creating businesses, and building generational wealth. Whatever that is for you guys, think about it, write it down, and work towards these common goals.

-You should both aim to make each other’s lives easier

There is and should be a benefit in having found your life teammate.

-The home the two of you create should be your solace from the outside world.

Make it comfortable to be in, both physically and spiritually.

Maybe you are a newlywed and searching for other relatable experiences, someone in your single season who wants to be prepared, or a seasoned marriage vet who wants to pass the info along. I pray that what I’ve learned and what you have just read will allow you to gain some insight into things to expect in marriage and what you can work on beforehand, as I have learned as a newlywed. And that the Information is of value to you. Please let me know what lessons you agree or disagree with. I would love the discussion!

Be blessed!