Encouragement for the Good Girl/Good Guy In Abstinence

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Hello Lovelies,

DISCLAIMER: I know the title of this post reads “Encouragement for the Good Girl/Good Guy” but really none of us are good. For the Bible says in Romans 3:23-24 

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 being justified [g]freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,

This post is a Word of Encouragement for the young and mature men or women who have been walking with God. I want to uplift, remind, and encourage you to continue the race! Often, the sermons we hear in the church are specifically catered to the lost, to reel them in to listen to the gospel, to become future disciples, and as a call to salvation. The primary calling of followers of Christ is that we all have a personal duty to help plant seeds in others by sharing the word through evangelism. 

That call of duty is most necessary; however, sometimes we need to encourage the ones fighting the good fight. Have you grown up in the church? Or have you been walking with God for years? There have been times in the past and in my single season when I wondered when I would hear something that applied to my life on the pulpit. I want to be that for you today as you read. 

What about the ones who have been walking with God for years, the ones who have grown up in the church and feel like they need to experience life before they become an old maid, the ones who have been questioning why they must wait or are just tired of waiting because it’s taking so long?

Personal Testimony

I’ve been there before. Once upon a time, I thought that when I reached a certain age, if I were not dating or had never dated, I would go out on a limb and put myself out there “for the experience.” I did not know that was a seed from the enemy to get me off track from the standards I had grown up knowing and following. Please remember if this is you: You DO NOT need experience for a successful marriage or relationship. You need God at the center of your life so that you can discern his voice and discern if a potential prospect is your spouse; don’t allow this lie to permeate. 

There was a time right before my husband came into my life when I felt heavy with desire and readiness for marriage. I had always been marriage-minded from a young age, but that specific year, my desire/readiness felt supernatural. I remember telling one of my good friends that I was ready to love and be loved. That coming out of my mouth was surprising, even to me, because, in the past, I shied away from relationships or love interests due to fear of being with the wrong person. 

Hindsight is 20/20

The future me now understands that God implanted that desire because he was unveiling me to my husband soon and I needed to be ready. You see, these things are spiritual. Something was shifting in the atmosphere for me, and my blessing (my husband) was right around the corner. Some of you reading this also have a blessing right around the corner. Don’t mess it up by adding the baggage of engaging in a sexually immoral relationship or a “situation-ship.” Remain pure in mind, body, and spirit for the person God wants to place in your life. 

Healthy Desire is From God. Maximize your singleness.

Use this readiness and heightened desire God has placed on your heart to allow for the preparation through wisdom, counsel, and life to be a virtuous wife or a shepherd husband. Watch videos geared towards being a husband or being a wife. Get around others who are married and ask questions. Look into negative relationship patterns within your family and pray against those things. Go to therapy if you need some inner work. Use your time efficiently and maximize your single season. You see, both marriage and singleness are a blessing. And both can be equally hard. But do not succumb to the lie that you need to garner “experience.”

I am so thankful that God pulled me by my shirt in that season. The lie that I almost gave into could have ruined me and undid what I had been meditating on for my whole life. How many of you are contemplating giving in? How many of you are getting tired? Keep this scripture in mind.

Galatians 6:9

9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

That means if you are saving yourself for marriage, finish the race! At the proper time, God will bless you with a godly husband or wife. Don’t let society lie to you, and don’t let others ridicule you. We are all human, and we have hormones. Find healthy outlets for those hormones and feelings. God put them there, but they are not to be expressed until marriage. Let’s take a look at what God’s word says about fornication.  

What does the Bible Say about Fornication? Words of Wisdom

1 Thessalonians 4:5 

3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” [b] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.[c]

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Don’t Put Yourself in Temptation’s Way

(a warning against adultery which can also be applied to fornication)

Proverbs 6:27

“Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth in to his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent.”

Be Pure and Be Used as a Vessel of Honor.

2 Timothy 2:20-21

20 But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. 21 Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, [a]sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.

My husband made me see the above scripture as symbolic of remaining pure through abstinence. So, I will use his explanation: Sex/virginity could be looked at as gold and silver, precious metals only to be used during special occasions and for honorable use (for your spouse and during marriage). Your life will be clean, you will not desecrate or dishonor yourself (your value, body, and reputation), and if you save yourself, you will be ready for your Master (God, Christ) to use you for good work (a good marriage, a good spouse). Do not be misled; Neither virginity nor sexual purity will equate to a good marriage. But you are embracing a mindset of preservation of your body, which helps to equip you in many other ways for God to use you and bless you. 

A Short Message for The Men

Men don’t give in to what society makes you think a man is—one who gives into his sexual desires. One of the beautiful aspects of marriage is that God has designed it for sexual satiation, balancing those hormones, for the most part. But this doesn’t mean sexual discipline starts and ends in marriage! How, then, will you be able to remain disciplined in marriage if you never practiced it in your singlehood?

Encouragement

Suppose you are reading this and have given into your fleshly desires at some point or even currently. Remember! God is our redeemer; repent and recommit this area of your life to him. I have heard of or even seen people feel they should marry the person they gave themselves to. Just in case you didn’t know! Don’t allow yourself to marry the wrong person. Sex serves as a glue (designed for marriage), attaching us to individuals that may not have been created for us. Pray about it and evaluate whether this is the case for you. 

A message to Woman. God is your father

Exodus 22:16

16 “If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. 17 If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins.

The above scripture gives us historical insight into how, during biblical times, if a man slept with a maiden, her father could still refuse marriage. The father’s disapproval showed that careful discretion and analysis went into choosing a spouse. That, despite two people having sex, it did not mean they had to get married. This father is not solely thinking about his daughter’s reputation or what people may think, he is thinking (more importantly) of her future, and wants her to marry the most suitable prospect. Thank God for fathers. 

Our culture looks much different in modern times. We are likely not relying on family members or fathers to vet spouses for us; we are making the decision ourselves, which takes an added level of discernment. Please don’t cloud an already tough decision with sex. Some of us have earthly fathers; some don’t. Ultimately, let God be your father and follow his word. Keep his commandments; if you slip and fall, go to him for discernment and redemption.

A Message to Both Men and Women

You don’t have to continue having relations with the person, which can lead to impregnation and disease; and if you do have a child, the same principle applies! Nor, do you have to continue in a lifestyle of premarital sex and fornication. You can assess whether the person you are with is your reciprocal, if the relationship is God-Ordained, and if you should even be getting married to them. Choose discipline through intentional singleness or through intentional dating in order to meet the one! Sometimes, one can feel like I gave my body to this person, so I must see the relationship through. Not so! Please don’t wreck your life. Lastly, practice abstinence even when you find that person, which God has created you for.

Closing Remarks

This message may not be for you. Maybe you are so filled with the Holy Ghost that you aren’t thinking about sex…. But you may in the future, and let this be a seed planted for that time as a word of encouragement to continue in the same way you have Been. Allow the Lord to sustain you and preserve your virtue. For in due time, you will reap a harvest, a reward. 

Be around like-minded individuals, fellowship, and find accountability partners to strengthen you and give you a sense of community that you are not in it alone. Pray for this community if you don’t already have it or try to step out of your comfort zone and get involved or in relation with the people in your local church. Remember, the Bible says to confess your sins one to another. Being in a community can help with this accountability.I want to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ who are abstaining because I know it’s hard out here. Whether you are single with no prospects in sight or within arm’s length of your future spouse, let me know which you think is more challenging, either through experience or just by thought. Being single and abstaining? Or being in an active relationship and abstaining? I’m curious. What has your experience been?

I pray you were blessed by reading.

A Written Review of HBO Max’s – The Gilded Age Season 2 Finale

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In Terms of Winning and Losing

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Hello Lovelies,

Today, we are gathering for a written review of HBO MAX’s The Gilded Age. With delay, I am here to review.

The Play-by-Play

The opening scene is of Mrs. Russell frantically obsessing with her husband over the fact that Mrs. Astor bought the duke. She receives a letter from him stating that his plans have changed and that he will attend the Academy instead of the grand opening of the new Metropolitan Opera. Mrs. Astor has paid him a pretty penny for his attendance. I’m with George on this one; I wish she would stop obsessing over that duke. He seems fickle and disloyal to me, only going where the money is. I spy a character flaw in him, and I pray that Mrs. Russell uses her discernment to not pin this man onto her daughter just because of his royal title.

Aunt Agnes meets with an attorney and scolds Oscar

A still image of the scene where aunt Agnes tells the attorney "my son has managed my affairs until now."

Next, we see Aunt Agnes discussing the van Rhijn family fortune being depleted with an attorney. Oscar, having made a bad investment, lost to Miss Beacon. She yells angrily at him that he has lost the family wealth and that she’s ruined. Already planning her downsize, the attorney’s mention encourages her that she won’t be destitute if she does so.

A still image of the scene where aunt agnes scolds Oscar angrily saying, "You throw away the work of centuries"

Oscar apologizes, and she roughly reprimands him, saying he will no longer manage her financial affairs and that he’s thrown away the work of centuries. Agnes tells him that she has survived her irresponsible and unthoughtful brother and married an uneasy man to live a secure life, but now she must beg because of her son’s lack of vetting. He only spared the house and thank goodness he did. I’m met with much empathy towards Aunt Agnes. Although a tough cookie, you can tell she has sacrificed a lot in her youth, thinking of her financial security as a woman and marrying someone she didn’t love, only to throw it in the toilet. Since she cannot afford to pay for Marian’s wedding, she hopes Dashiell will step in, albeit untraditionally, for the groom to pay for the wedding. And I pray that Marian speaks her truth in this episode and gets out of this engagement.

Oscar will spend much time wallowing in his decisions and mature from this (at least, I hope). I hope he will grow up in the next season and understand that his decisions as the only male in the immediate family mean he needs to be unselfish and not just think of his pleasures but others around him. The servants gossip in their quarters about what’s to become of them while this disaster is happening and how they must look for jobs.

Peggy parts ways with Newspaper and Mr. Fortune.

On another note, Mr. Fortune’s wife and baby stopped by the office. Viewers can barely see her profile, as we are only shown her silhouette. This tells me that her character will be revealed in season 3. Peggy’s face is a mix of bewilderment, shock, and guilt. I could tell that seeing the baby carriage made it all very real for her.

A still image of the scene where Peggy tells mr. fortune "I won't be returning to the paper."

Towards the end of the episode, we know that she resigns from her position at the newspaper with Mr. Fortune after briefly talking with him. Her conscience was eating at her, and she didn’t want to be a homewrecker, so she decided to take the high road and leave, seeing as their feelings toward one another had the possibility of growing exponentially. I was alarmed that if she didn’t resign, Mr. Fortune seemed as if he would have continued or even escalated their inappropriate exchanges. It made me think of him in a questioning way. I was proud of Peggy taking the moral high ground and not continuing to engage in this adulterous relationship.

John’s Patent is Approved

John’s patent is approved! I can’t help but feel elated for him. We can tell early on that he has high hopes and dreams to move up in ranking despite his current position in servitude. And I love that he can dream big, having planted seeds of creativity and ingenuity. All his colleagues are happy for him and really do support all that he does. As I mentioned in my prior review, young Bridgett will regret her rejection of him in the future. That boy is going somewhere. Do you remember when he tells his colleague in season one that men like Mr. Russell are the future? This directly foreshadowed his path and a future working relationship with the Russells. Marian learns of his patent approval and takes him to Larry Russell for business advice. Smart move! It’s great to bounce ideas off successful businessmen or others who are where you want to be. A kind gesture from Miss Marian, who used her connections to help someone with nothing to give her. Bless her heart.

A still image of the scene where Larry Russell tells servant John "I think we should go into business together"

It is revealed that Mr. McAllister is the one who convinced the duke to go back to the Academy. He seems two-faced. Mr. McAllister straddles the fence in his friendship with Mrs. Astor and Mrs. Russell. He admires Mrs. Russell, but he is loyal to Mrs. Astor. I hope Mrs. Russell realizes this and uses her discernment when sharing information with him or even in her associations with him. I won’t be surprised if this will be his first of many betrayals.

Marian Calls the Engagement Off

A still image of the scene where Aunt Ada saying "Agnes will be so sorry to miss you" to Cousin Dashiell after Marian admits she will not marry him

Marian finally admits to Dashiell that she doesn’t want to get married to him. She tells him that he is not her true love, nor is she his. She also tells him that he’s still not over his deceased wife. He knows this, which Is why he took her rejection so well. I was holding my breath for his reaction but was glad to see that he was not delusional and that he was willing to be honest with himself. He did walk away from the exchange, flustered and visibly upset, but I don’t think it’s anything he won’t get over. Another proud moment I witnessed during this episode. I was glad that, as a woman, Marian was aware that the person she’s with should love her in a way that doesn’t translate into her being a placeholder or a filled void for someone else. She deserves so much better, and I can’t wait for her true love to love her how she wants and needs.

And now, Drum Roll of what I thought to be the three most significant moments to end the season!

The Met is a Success, and Larry Kisses Marian

A still image of the scene where mrs Russell has an accomplished smile on her face at the success of the Metropolitan opera opening

The Grand opening of the Met has proven to be a success! The building is packed out, and the duke chooses the Metropolitan Opera over the Academy after Mrs. Russell’s last meeting with him. The Academy is sad with only Aunt Agnes, Mr. Mc Allister, Mrs. Astor, and others in attendance. Mrs. Fish is there but looks at the turnout and leaves almost immediately. Ha-ha! She wants to go where the people are. I really hope Mrs. Astor sees that Mrs. Russell deserves her respect as she is a force to be reckoned with. The price that Mrs. Russell paid for the duke’s attendance was her daughter. We see her strategically placing the duke next to Gladys, much to Glady’s dismay.

A still image of the scene where Marian brooks is kissing Larry Russell on than van Rhijn front doorstep

In the last scene, we know that Larry has invited Marian to sit with him in Russell’s box at the Met. It makes me smile because they really do enjoy each other’s company. When the event has ended, they travel back to their neighborhood, and he bids her goodbye with a KISS!! Ahhh! I almost fell out. She accepted it wholeheartedly. How romantic that they are finally out of the friend zone. The chemistry has slowly built up to this moment, and I love to see it.

Aunt Agnes Makes an Announcement

When we enter the van Rhijn residence, Aunt Ada makes a huge announcement. Her deceased husband has indeed left her with a fortune to handle. Praise God! Everyone is in celebration mode because she can save her older sister, Marian, her nephew, and the servants from an impoverished and uncertain future. Aunt Agnes is over the moon but gets a slap of humble pie when her butler turns to her younger sister to confirm orders. Now that she is in a position of authority, she will be handing out the checks. Aunt Ada also vocalizes that much will change in that household under her jurisdiction. And I can already see widowhood has and will have her step into her grown woman energy; I love that for her. (not the widow part, just the coming into her OWN part). 

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A job well done to the writers, directors, producers, and actors for an excellent second season! Here are my predictions for the next season.

Season 3 Predictions

I predict:

~Larry and Marian start their courtship, although both are planting seeds for their futures. Marian is moving toward her philanthropy, and Larry is in his architectural career. They may not soon be ready for an engagement or marriage, so I assume they will try their best to keep their relationship a secret, especially in the elementary stages.

~ Marian will try to integrate and warm up their families to soften the blow, getting in good with her in-laws, although they seem to like her already. Mr. Russell will not have an issue, seeing as Miss Marian helped him avoid some time in jail since she uncovered the stenographer who tried to pin the railroad crash on him in her returning the lady’s purse. I know that Agnes and Mrs. Russell will be the most difficult to win over.

~A new start for Peggy as an independent writer and potential interest from a possible love match or an eligible bachelor.

~Oscar goes through a depression first, then takes vengeance into his own hands, going on a hunt for Miss Maude Beacon.

~Agnes is going through her process of self-loathing now at the grace of her younger sister.

~ Young John establishing himself in society, increasing his clock knowledge, and integrating into the Clock Makers Association of New York. And a new comradery and mentorship with Larry. 

~Marian becoming a certified teacher at one of the black schools she’s advocating for. Potentially ruffling some feathers with people of her rank because of this and being a philanthropist and spokeswoman. This creates more eyes on her and, as a result, increases her value in the eyes of the Russells.

Season 2 Recap

~ Aunt Ada meets the rector (priest), becomes his wife, then his widow, then an heiress

~Oscar takes multiple L’s this season. He tries his hand at Gladys Russell, fails, and gets scammed out of his family’s wealth by a potential marriage prospect.

~ The Opera War between Mrs. Astor and Mrs. Russell starts and ends with Mrs. Russell winning.

~ Peggy returns to work for Aunt Ada after Armstrong tries to create a rumor about her past to get her dismissed. She travels to Alabama, where she covers the Tuskegee University story, gets kissed by Mr. Fortune (her supervisor), and ends her working relationship with him after much thought.

~Marian meets Cousin Dashiell; he takes a liking to her, proposes she accepts, and then declines.

~Larry Russell starts his first architecture project and an illicit sexual relationship with his older widowed woman client.

~Miss Turner goes from lady’s maid to Mrs. Winterton, a woman of high society, and tries to get revenge on Mrs. Russell.

~Mr. and Mrs. Russell’s marriage takes a temporary hit when Mrs. Russell discovers that George keeps her in the dark about Miss Turner’s advances. 

~Marian and Larry show their feelings towards one another through a kiss.

Overall, the season was predictable but in a satisfying way (if that makes any sense at all). I couldn’t quite put my finger on whether the predictability was due to a job well done by the actors or because every hope and dream we had as viewers came to fruition. That is, with a few open-ended scenarios that will undoubtedly drag into the next season. (Season 3 has been confirmed, by the way! Woohoo!) Let me know in the comments if there are any similar shows I can binge and review like this one!

A Written Review of HBO Max’s – The Gilded Age Season 2 Episode 7

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Wonders Never Cease

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Hello Lovelies,

I am writing to you about the most delightful show I’ve recently discovered. I will be doing a review of HBO Max’s The Gilded Age. I am terribly sorry that I’ve just now found it. I am even more sorry that I will attempt this review in the middle of Season 2. 

An Introduction to the Show

As I watch the opulent displays of wealth of the New York upper class in the 1800s, I’ve been transported straight into the Victorian Era with an American flair. New York being my home state (and Brooklyn my home city) brings me an endearing and proud feeling as various landmarks (like the Brooklyn Bridge), and other areas I’ve frequented as a child and as an adult come up in casual conversation amongst the characters. 

The presence of historical events within the time (though obviously dramatized and fictionized) gives a layer of depth to an otherwise romanticized version of a time within American history. A history that was filled with individuals who took an opportunistic ride on the capitalism of the nation to create newfound wealth (or as some would call “new money folks”), much to the dismay of the ones who had been in high society for generations stemming from their European ancestors. Coupled with the turn of race relations during the time, and sweetened with the addition of main character Marian Brook, whose blossoming womanhood viewers get to see. Her womanhood is one of already innate confidence, kindness, poise, beauty, and elegance. 

Who is Miss Marian Brook?

We watch as she navigates what being a debutante in the elite high society means for her identity. Does she succumb to the pressures of her Aunt to secure her financial future by marrying an eligible bachelor with old money? Will she pursue her passions despite what others think is appropriate for a woman of her time? Can she follow her heart and choose a love match, or can she have it all? I am so excited as a viewer to be a witness to it. Okay, let’s get into episode 2!

Disclaimer: Please don’t crucify me if some details get convoluted. I may miss some facts here and there. But I want to focus on the emotions of the various events of the overall episode. So please bear with me. I will try to work on being more accurate on the history of things as best as my attention span allows. Ha-ha!

Mr. Tate and Larry Russell

The opening scene is one of Mr. Tate scurrying into the grand lobby of the Russells. Seeking to meet with George Russell, the man of the house. The butler leads him to the office, where he is surprised to meet a young Mr. Larry Russell. With the involvement of the Russells on this Brooklyn Bridge construction project and Larry previously expressing his overwhelming desire to be an architect to his father, it seems that despite us getting an understanding of George as this ruthless businessman who will stop at no end to secure his families’ financial legacy, he also has the soft spot only a reasonable parent can have when a child expresses who they want to be in life and what their passions are. We see this in that he has allowed his son to take over the business affairs of this huge architectural project. 

Young Mr. Russell shows his support for Women’s Rights.

In doing so, Larry, based on the prior episode, learns that the head engineer of the bridge, Mr. Roebling, fell ill, and his wife had been seeing all the engineering. She concealed her leadership identity to play within the role of their society, a woman with a lesser education than her spouse. Larry seems to be in both amazement and admiration of Mrs. Roebling and wants her to receive the proper credit, which he expresses to Mr. Tate, who insists this announcement will ruin the event. 

As a viewer, I can’t help but think how well-suited he and Marian would be rather than her, Mr. Dashiell, who cornered her into his marriage proposal. Larry seems to be for women’s rights, as opposed to Marian’s current betrothed, who, just before the engagement, discredited her as being a “real teacher” at her current place of employment. You could see in her eyes how hurt she was by this. I am sure she felt a pang in her heart only to learn that the man who took an interest in her had not evolved in his mindset toward women.

Mr. George Russell and Secretary Clay (Strikers Debrief)

Next, we see George meeting with his secretary, Richard Clay, as they discuss the events that transpired after the standoff between his men and the strikers in the protest. Something about Richard gives off slimy and shady to me. He comes off as heartless and cold, whereas Mr. Russell is dominant, albeit brash, but is kindhearted and decides not to open fire on the strikers. He thinks about their families, and his secretary scolds him for providing benefits, saying that he credits “these benefits a utopia list from a fairytale.” Mr. Russell explains that he didn’t want anyone hurt, but he is not simple-minded (an insult to Richard). He has devised a tactic whereby the 6-month contracted raise he has offered will cause a divide among the workers of varying levels, and soon, he wouldn’t look like the bad guy. Instead, they would hate each other. 

John & The Clockmakers Assn.

Mr. Bannister, the butler of the van Rhijn house, tells John he has a friend, who is a secretary to the Clockmakers Association of New York, who will do him a favor and see to John’s membership of the organization so that he can qualify for getting his patent approved. All the van Rhijn workers seem elated, and of course, the Negative Nancy, Ms. Armstrong, says something pessimistic, but no one minds her as usual. It is so heartwarming to see the comradery of the house servants towards each other in that household, so much love that it comes off as a family. 

I could personally tell in John’s eyes his apprehension but excitement at the possibility of this. It’s evident that he is growing in confidence in his abilities, and I can see the potential in him not only moving up in his ranking but in his ability to make a name for himself in society as a young man. It is also apparent how fickle young love and feelings are as we see Bridget’s feelings for him increase daily as she witnesses John’s potential. However, her first inclination was to reject him upon his expressing interest. This may be a foreshadowing, prophetic, or even far-fetched thing. Still, I believe she will live to regret her initial rejection of him as it seems her growing interest parallels his growing disinterest in her as a romantic partner.

Marian & Peggy Girl Talk

Marian shares a private moment with her friend Peggy on whether she is doing the right thing in continuing her engagement to her cousin Dashiell. Peggy seems to cosign the whole thing lovingly but tells her that only she can answer. However, when Marian starts to list all his positive qualities, “He’s kind, a good father,” Peggy asks Marian if she’s trying to convince herself. Scenes and interactions like this really make me think about past conversations I have had about relationships with my husband. I feel strongly that going with what you believe may be the “safe man” could lead to a woman’s discontentment and vice versa (if a man is making a similar decision).

I hope that Marian follows her heart and not the pressure from others in this decision. I can see it in her face and disposition that she knows she will have a good life with him but is not too keen on him. It comes off that she is pulling her teeth to do so whenever she is around him. It’s humorous to watch. When he is in her presence, she gives him the energy one would give the “Can I get a hug” guy. Ha-ha! The one who is pining for your attention but that you don’t really care for. It’s not that he’s a bad person; it’s just that you don’t fancy him, and the more he expresses interest in you, the more you are repulsed.

Do We Ship Cousin Dashiell and Marian or Marian and Larry?

We can see when Dashiell offered to stay with her at the house amongst the family’s grieving Uncle Luke’s illness, she couldn’t wait for him to leave, and as soon as he did, she couldn’t help but accept the walk with Larry Russell. 

Hmmm. How will this come off to people around them? Will Dashiell notice her repulsion, or will it get to a point where she must take him aside and break his heart? Or will there be rumors of scandal in her spending even innocent, friendly time with Larry? How do you guys feel about her accepting Larry’s company during the climax of her engagement? 

Her Aunt is pushing for a quick engagement and wedding planning, but I hope there’s a buffer time for her to decide.

Mrs. Astor Makes an Offer that’s Hard to Refuse

Mrs. Russell is shown hosting Mrs. Caroline Astor as they have their usual friendly but rivalrous exchange. Caroline seems to be at her wit’s end of the competition in this opera war and has finally offered Mrs. Russell a box at the Academy. It seems a cheap offer, although I can sense that Mrs. Russell feels stroked and flattered. Mr. Russell brings her back to her senses to make her realize that Mrs. Astor only tries to exert her authority by buying her a seat at the table. He implies that if she accepts this offer, it will diminish all the work she’s done, and I absolutely agree!

During the lady’s charity meeting, Mrs. Astor publicly brought up her offer in a way that felt too overconfident to me. Even Mrs. Russell is shocked she brought it up. But Mrs. Russel’s feathers are generally ruffled for a short time. She’s quick on her feet, and in her usual fashion, she usurps the authority of Mrs. Astor by embarrassing her and declining the proposal. She says in her own words that she can’t switch gears now. Angrily and pridefully, Mrs. Astor walks out embarrassed, although I’m not sure why, as she brought it on herself.

Poor Aunt Ada

This episode is a heartbreaking one as we see Aunt Ada walk around in emotional pain, trying to support her terminally ill husband. It is such a shame that, as an older newlywed, she has had to endure such heartache early in her marriage. It seems like luck is never on her side, not in marrying at the age of societal standards or having a lifetime of marital experience. Aunt Agnes is now supporting her as her older sister, and with her personality being much less emotionally moved, you could tell she is affected by her sister’s grief but is also serving as the rock, which comes naturally.

Finally, Reverend Luke passes devastatingly as he sleeps, and Aunt Ada cries out in pain and disbelief as she checks his breathing, only to find him cool to the touch. I found myself shedding multiple tears for this kindhearted woman. I can’t even imagine. And my heart really went out to her. I am curious to see how she fares as a widow and if her now-deceased husband left her with any financial stability so that she can continue to live independently of her older sister. 

Oscar Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine

In those prior moments, Oscar shockingly discovers he’s been scammed out of his family’s money. I shuddered at the thought of what his mother would say to him! I can admit that even I’m scared of Aunt Agnes. It made me think of how she puts so much emphasis on their old money wealth and what will become of them. Wishful thinking has me praying that they will be able to recover it and that Miss Maude will be found. Although Oscar, as we see, has met his match! He met someone whose love for money caused her to do an evil thing, just as much as he was willing to cover up his sexuality and marry someone as a beard and not out of love, whose wealth he could live on. I believe this is a lesson learned! And one that he really grows from. 

Peggy and the Black Educators’ Meeting

We see Peggy meeting with her mother’s educator colleagues. Her father is also in this meeting. I’m happy to see she is back on cordial terms with her parents and that they are welcoming her talent and expertise. Her mom expresses that the New York School Board or DOE wants to close all the black schools, which would have cataclysmic effects on the black community—decreasing black children’s chances at a good life and the loss of so many jobs. This is why the meeting is being held. As a black woman myself, when I watch things like this (although I know the history), I am always still amazed and upset at how black people like me were not treated equally as their white counterparts. They had to do all this petitioning to have fundamental rights.

What’s the Deal with Peggy’s Manager?

Peggy’s manager shows up, and my mind brings me back to when he kissed her. I can’t help but think of how inappropriate that interaction was. Like, isn’t he married?! Where is his wife? He gives off the air of bachelor energy; I’m patiently awaiting his backstory to be told. Something tells me what you see is not what you get with him. Is he widowed? Is he estranged from his wife? Are they separated or divorced?

Peggy’s Mom gives the side-eye

I remember even Marian giving Peggy wise counsel in telling her to be careful traveling with a married man. I feel like Peggy should have put up proper safeguards by asking him before they traveled or even discussing the optics of how it would look so that he could have others travel with them, too, to protect her virtue. Her mom seems to be on to it, too, as she expresses an observational question of the two being the only ones credited on the article: who traveled with them? At the bridge’s debut, she mentioned raising Peggy better than that. I believe Peggy needed some scolding for that, too. She looks strong-willed but doesn’t seem like she heeds counsel in anything. Maybe because of her past trauma with her father?

It was also lovely to see Marian attend the meeting of black educators, especially since her endorsement led to a white Irish man who could potentially work at the black school and have some of the others in his community bring the Irish students in, too. I am glad to see Marian not being stifled and being in a spokeswoman position for a good cause. Sadly, during that time in history, Irish immigrants and black people alike were considered second-class citizens. 

The Brooklyn Bridge has debuted.

Finally, a beautiful debut to the Brooklyn Bridge, with Larry giving Mrs. Roebling her proper credit. Mrs. Roebling knows they will not print this fact about her not to cause a ruckus. Everyone is admiring the beauty of the structure. The episode ends with the death of Uncle Luke, Aunt Agnes discovering her son’s loss of family wealth, and Marian having a walk with Larry. I’m already ready for the next one!

Thoughts? Comment below! Stay tuned for next week’s HBO MAX The Gilded Age review. Let me know of any other shows you think I should review, too. 

Newlywed Marriage Lessons

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Things I’ve Learned as a Newlywed

As I write this, I stand almost three years and three months deep into my marriage—three blessed years with my God-ordained husband and five total years together. They say that if you’re under five years married, you’re still a newlywed in the honeymoon phase. We promised always to strive to be there.

Not that everything will be or is peaches and cream, but that we would relish in our oneness, indulge in our togetherness, and continue to date each other like we did when we were well…. dating. To keep things new and fresh. 

Three years have passed, and there’s been so much we’ve learned and so much I’ve personally learned—about myself as a woman, wife, and individual. There are so many valuable lessons that sometimes can only be understood in partnership with another human being, and it amazes me daily. Suddenly, you see yourself clearer in both good and bad ways. You may even question yourself. You experience the world with a whole new lens and focal point. 

Marriage is a blessing (IF done right and with the right person) just as much as it is a divine assignment from God. Not an accomplishment, an achievement, or a notch on the belt like society may paint it. It’s not picture-perfect as social media may portray it, not a reward because of something good you’ve done, as your mind may tell you, not a given because you are just so attractive. Two people coming together is indeed the mystery that the Word of God states it is. 

Ephesians 5:31-32

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

No one outside of those two people will seek to or should seek to understand each other better. You leave what you know to cultivate a new family together. This new culture and family you are building comes with spoken and unspoken expectations between you as a pair. It means rewiring and reconditioning your mind and behavior from what you thought you knew or what you were previously taught to this new culture that you two will create as you morph into one. 

Last year, I started listing some of the many things that came to mind when I thought of the whirlwind of my new marriage season. I figured if I didn’t write it down, I wouldn’t be able to capture everything I was learning, recognizing, and working through in this foundational stage in real time. 

Most of what I wrote down started with “Be prepared for.” It occurred to me that before marriage, there was A LOT to prepare for, a lot to know in advance, especially if you seek to be well-informed and well-adapted when the time comes. I chuckled at the fact that many of the things I thought I knew before marriage when put into practice, weren’t as simple as having the knowledge of it. 

There is one MAJOR thing that has made me feel at peace through and through. That is me knowing that the person whom I decided to marry, to be in submission to, to commit my life to, to choose to love, to be on this journey with, was someone who, without a shadow of a doubt, was created for me, and I for him. 

Marriage isn’t always a walk in the park; neither is it meant to be endured. Speaking to single folk: Trust God with your love life and dating; it will make a massive difference in your quality of life when married. Ensure the person you commit to is someone you have received divine confirmation about and are compatible with.

Please read my previous blog post, “A Righteous and Compatible Husband.”

Alright, let’s dive in.

BE PREPARED:

-To Communicate about EVERYTHING

(the uncomfortable, the good, the bad, the ugly)

Ex: Finances, Intimacy, Family, Boundaries, Roles, Work, Whereabouts, Compromise, Travel, Plans and goals for the future, disagreements, spending habits, who’s house to go to for holidays, parenting, grievances)

Marriage will strengthen and put your communication skills to the test. 

– To Move On

Marriage means dying to yourself daily. It means a cycle of practicing forgiveness and moving on immediately, addressing any past or current grudges you may be holding on to.

-To have things not fully discussed in dating/courtship resurfaced in Marriage.

REMEMBER that Marriage is a magnifier! After walking down the aisle, minor and unaddressed issues/concerns suddenly become major. It is better to ask those questions and discuss some of those concerns sooner, for they will surely come out.

-To Notice the positives and negatives of each other’s family dynamics.

For example, you and your spouse may have certain positive memories of your childhood, lessons learned, or seeds planted by your families that you may want to pass down or incorporate into your own household. Specific things that shaped and molded you to be a better person. Either of you may notice these positives. On the other hand, as a spouse, you may observe some interesting generational patterns, behaviors, and interactions among family members of your other half that you may not be fond of.

Every family has dysfunctions or idiosyncracies; it is normal to notice them in your own family of origin or your spouses’. Communicate as a couple about the things you notice, see how you can incorporate the positive, and pray against the negatives so that you do not repeat those in the home you are creating. Remember that we choose our friends but don’t always choose our family. Whatever you notice may be the Holy Spirit speaking to you to continue a cycle, break a cycle, or learn a lesson vicariously through them.

-To Set Boundaries with Family and Friends

The Bible tells us that because of the love a husband should have for his wife (and vice versa), he nourishes and cherishes her like his own body. AND he leaves/cleaves from his parents to become one with her. The Bible also says this is a GREAT mystery. Upon becoming married, I learned it was also a mystery for others. We are not married to our family members. We are married to each other. When you set boundaries with others (whether your family of origin or the friends who have become like family), people will not always understand—the emotional adjustment in the people closest to you as it pertains to this new chapter in life will be very apparent. You may receive passive-aggressive behavior, unawareness, or total confusion, but stand firm that you are creating a solid foundation with your spouse. 

-For your relationship dynamics to change with the people closest to you and accept it. 

An example of this can be that in your singlehood you may have been used to being on the phone multiple times a day at any hour of the day with one specific person or multiple people. It could be friends or family. But as a married person, you may have less time to be on the phone for many reasons. First, your increased responsibility in managing your new home may have zapped your energy, capacity, and desire to do this.

You may find that if you follow your old ways, you cannot prioritize your house because you are so distracted on the phone that nothing gets done, or you cannot multitask. Or you might be used to being on the phone at late hours of the night but your evenings are when you get to connect with your spouse and debrief the day or even to be intimate (we are grown here right…LOL).

You might have been used to doing house visits pretty often to people you are close to, but now that frequency has decreased or stopped altogether because you are tending to your household and your spouse. These are just two examples, but there may be many more that will have the people you grew up with or are in friendship with feeling hurt. Take their reactions as an opportunity to remind them, educate them, or be honest with them about how married life has made your life look a bit different and that you still love and appreciate them. And you will always be there for them as best as possible, checking in with them when you are available.

-To Approach things and tackle issues head-on

(In other words, attack the issue, not each other.) When and if the two of you get into an argument, you must be resolution-focused and not insult-focused.

-To Merge and Blend two Families 

This one was an oversight for me. I was so busy building up me and my spouse’s relationship that I forgot this would mean blending our families. And that as time went on, each of our respective families would have to interact with one another in informal or formal settings. We have had some awkward interactions, especially early on between the two. I can’t say that we won’t continue to have those types of interactions, but we’ve learned not to make other people’s problems our problems. We focus on the fact that the health of our marriage is not dependent on how well others get along. If people get on well, that’s a cherry on top. If not, then it is none of our concern.

-To Be Vulnerable and Naked With One Another

REMEMBER that Marriage is a MIRROR and does not always display our best sides. You must be okay with that and be open and honest enough to resolve issues. Or to become a better version of yourself. In partnership, you will be able to see yourself in a way that you wouldn’t be able to without your spouse. Be open to having transparent and deep conversations. Don’t be afraid to bare your soul to your partner to reach that next level of intimacy in your relationship.

BE COMFORTABLE WITH HEARING SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF FROM YOUR PARTNER.

That brings me to the next one:

-For unresolved internal issues in singlehood to come up in Marriage

For example, if you know you have past or current traumas from adulthood and childhood or are dealing with low self-esteem or low self-worth, addictions, abandonment issues, codependencies, etc. Please seek a therapist to help you work through those emotions, feelings, or reoccurring behaviors. It’s always best to enter a relationship WHOLE and not in a broken state. Of course, we cannot control when the person God has for us enters our lives, nor will we ever be perfect. God may allow that person to come in while you heal; everyone’s story is different. What we CAN CONTROL is what we do to MAXIMIZE OUR SINGLENESS. And one of those things is to get our spiritual and mental health in order.

-To Learn to love unconditionally.

Understanding what marriage looks like is very important. Love should be the main component of this union. Contrary to what the media portrays, love is not JUST a feeling. If we line it up with the biblical definition, love is an ACTION word. Love is not just about gifts or grandiose gestures. Please study how God defines love, understand it, and seek to apply it in every relationship you have, including your romantic one.

1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 5 It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, 6 it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 it [b]keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails;

– To Watch your mouth

Be direct, be expressive, and communicate frequently about issues, BUT always be KIND. Be aware of your partner’s triggers, sensitive topics, your tone, and profanity.

-To Practice Active Listening

In having discussions and conversations with your spouse, give them your full undivided attention. Listen to understand and not to respond. This takes so much practice! But it will allow the other person to feel like their voice and opinions matter and that they are valued.

-To Be your spouse’s first point of contact and make them yours (Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically, and Communicatively) 

The sharing and exchanging of ideas and emotions between two individuals in a marriage should be shared with those two before anyone else. Your spouse should be the first person you run to and tell when you have something good or bad going on or want to talk. There should be a heavy emphasis on friendship in Marriage. Your spouse should be your BEST FRIEND, and if not, this should be something you both are actively working towards. You will see the world of difference it makes. When married Your dad, mom, brother, sister, girls, or homeboys shouldn’t be the first person you run to when you have good or bad news to share. It should be your spouse.  

-For things to sometimes get worse after communicating before they get better or resolved. Don’t let this deter you from having a conversation. Stay encouraged. 

-REMEMBER during conflict that you are supposed to be on the same team, not opposing teams.

When you understand this, you will be less likely to throw out insults or to get easily offended. You should both have each other’s best interests at heart. Your laser focus on this can help you learn how to disagree better and come to a resolution quicker.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED TO DO AND NOT TO DO IN MARRIAGE:

-Don’t allow your marriage to be a glass house

Don’t make your marriage or very intimate things within the marriage transparent to others. Major issues should not be common knowledge to outsiders to peer in at or to critique. There is a heavy emphasis on “marriage” because when you are dating, sometimes you should share things with trusted and experienced family or friends so that you may make an informed decision in a long-term partnership. The Bible says in Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall, But in the multitude of counselors there is a safety.

-Create an island for yourselves

Keep in the honeymoon phase. Prioritize each other and God above all else or others. Obviously, there are seasons in life that may require a lot of attention., (like child rearing or an aging parent). But you must put each other first.

-Marriage counseling should be thought of as a preventative measure and should be ongoing.

Get into the habit of going to therapy together even before a blow-up. Do weekly or daily check-ins between the two of you or with a third party to assess and maintain the health of your relationship.

-REMEMBER, your partner is not your savior; God is.

Sometimes, as women, we think that having a man will solve all our problems, but it won’t. Although your husband should represent Christ in the home, he is not THE CHRIST. Please keep this in mind. As I stated earlier, a man cannot patch any ongoing internal issues you have not addressed. You will not and should not put all your burdens of expectations on him. Learn how to take things to God in prayer. You should have and strive for peace in your Marriage, but remember that the source of all peace is Jesus, for he is the Prince of Peace. 

-Don’t nag.

(speaking to just the woman on this one) A contentious wife/woman is mentioned three times in Proverbs, and as women, admittedly, it can be hard to pick and choose battles. So, when you have something you’ve already repeated multiple times. Remember the frequency of you bringing up a contentious issue and the timing. Is your spouse just coming home from work? About to go to sleep? Just waking up?

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to live on a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19

It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and irritating woman.

Proverbs 25:24

It is better to live on a corner of the roof, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

-Prioritize God in your relationship

Make time in your schedule for God. This could be through weekly or daily devotions, bible studies, or praying together. Whatever that looks like for the two of you, do it! The decisions you make should always be made with pleasing God in mind. God should be the center of everything you both do. this goes without saying, but I will say it anyway.

-Prioritize Quality Time

Don’t neglect your quality time! There should be some daily undivided attention if possible. Whether in communication (if travel and separation are involved) or physically, go on a weekly date night. The two of you create the culture in your relationship. So it’s up to you ultimately, but both parties should be fulfilled. Continue to date and pursue each other, even in marriage!

-Identify your spouse’s love language so that you may give them gifts of love they value.

Based on Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” You and your partner’s love languages may include Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Receiving Gifts. Seek to discover what those are for each other and keep a mental note on how to please your spouse. There is even a quiz online! Check it out!

-Keep your marital woes between you and a trusted third party.

Due to our families’ natural biases, we should beware of sharing our marital grievances with family members. In doing so, when the two of you kiss and makeup, it will eliminate any animosity from others around you. This practice allows you to protect your partner in your family’s eyes and protects your family from bitterness or judgment.

-Create A Safe Space for each other

Creating a safe space encourages increased intimacy and oneness through active listening, no judgment, and constructive criticism. Be each other’s peace.

-Overcommunicate throughout the day to stay connected

Maybe you both are extremely busy during the day and apart from each other until evening on a daily. You can text to check in or call to hear each other’s voice at different periods of the day. Maybe during a lunch break or when you’re off to your next destination. To see how the other person feels and observe their mood of the hour or day because you care.

-Create a mission for your Marriage and consistently talk about future goals and plans to stay on track

A marriage mission can be what you want your marriage to stand for, how you want to show up in the world, how you want to raise your kids, what you want life to look like in the future, financial goals, spiritual goals, etc. Maybe you both are passionate about serving and make it a goal to do community service together. Or you both are called to ministry. You may want to take on leadership positions in your local church, to do missions, or to evangelize. Maybe you both value financial freedom. You may seek to work on being debt-free, creating businesses, and building generational wealth. Whatever that is for you guys, think about it, write it down, and work towards these common goals.

-You should both aim to make each other’s lives easier

There is and should be a benefit in having found your life teammate.

-The home the two of you create should be your solace from the outside world.

Make it comfortable to be in, both physically and spiritually.

Maybe you are a newlywed and searching for other relatable experiences, someone in your single season who wants to be prepared, or a seasoned marriage vet who wants to pass the info along. I pray that what I’ve learned and what you have just read will allow you to gain some insight into things to expect in marriage and what you can work on beforehand, as I have learned as a newlywed. And that the Information is of value to you. Please let me know what lessons you agree or disagree with. I would love the discussion!

Be blessed!

A Righteous and Compatible Husband

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Do You Know How To Properly Vet A Man for Marriage?

The Story of Jacob

We tend to emphasize women being a Proverbs 31 Woman. Virtuous in all her ways. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 that He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord. This verse implies that as Godly women, we are to embody the qualities and characteristics of what a wife should be, even before “officially” becoming one. That means carrying yourself as someone who will be a wife and the representation of her future husband. 

A Righteous Husband

But what can be said about a righteous husband? What are the implications of choosing a husband who is not honest or who has a questionable past? A man who hasn’t upheld high moral character before marriage. What are the consequences of choosing a man with a history of unrighteousness? How can his past decisions affect his wife or family’s future? What are the identifiable patterns in his family of origins’ lineage? How can you vet a man for marriage, and what are the right questions to ask?

Those questions bring me to the story of Jacob. Jacob is the son of Isaac and grandson of the notable Abraham, whom God made a covenant with. Abraham is considered the father of Jews. You can read the story of Jacob in Genesis chapter 27. Feel free to go further back into Genesis to read the story of his parents and grandparents.

The Story of Jacob

As you read Jacob’s story, he convinces his older twin brother Esau to give up his birthright by bartering it for a pot of soup that he made: 

Genesis 25

27 When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a [o]civilized man, living in tents. 28 Now Isaac loved Esau because [p]he had a taste for game; but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 When Jacob had cooked a stew one day, Esau came in from the field and he was exhausted; 30 and Esau said to Jacob, “Please let me have a mouthful of [q]that red stuff there, for I am exhausted.” Therefore he was called [r]Edom by name. 31 But Jacob said, “[s]First sell me your birthright.” 32 Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so of what use then is the birthright to me?” 33 And Jacob said, “[t]First swear to me”; so he swore an oath to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and got up and went on his way. So Esau despised his birthright.

In Jewish culture, the oldest son was to get double the inheritance or double the wealth of his father, also known as his birthright. Jacob was going against the grain and trying to manipulate his older brother into giving that up. He acquired this birthright through his father’s deception, with his mother’s help. I encourage you to study in further detail. 

Their mother, Rebekah, feared that Esau (the older brother) would kill Jacob and instructed Jacob to flee to her hometown of Haran to her brother Laban. Isaac (Jacob’s father) blesses him and commands him to take a wife from one of the daughters of Laban. Laban eventually becomes his father-in-law. Through deception, Laban has Jacob marry both of his daughters. One of which Jacob loves, the other he doesn’t and isn’t attracted to. He ends up working for 14 years for his father-in-law, in order to wed the woman his heart truly desired.

I have often heard many Christians upset at the fact that God allowed for the deception of Jacob by his father-in-law. The deception brought him as far as marrying the unattractive older sister Leah, whom he did not love.

Using A Biblical Story to Vet a Man (Potential Prospect)

What is often an oversight is that God is a just God. We don’t know his mind, but if we look deeper than the surface level, we see that just as Jacob’s father-in-law deceived him, Jacob deceived his brother. With the help of his mother, he successfully tricked his father into giving him his older brother’s inheritance/blessing, contrary to Jewish tradition. I believe he ended up paying for his deceit in the future. 

If we investigate Jacob’s family, we see that his mom, Rebekah, conspired, and he conspired to steal Esau’s blessing. And he seems to be on the receiving end of deceit himself. Lying runs rampant within this family. When I backtracked into the word, I was reminded of something. His father (Isaac) and grandfather (Abraham) both lied the same lie in the exact location to the same person! They both lied about their wives being only their sisters (to the same King). Fearing the King would kill them to steal their wives (because of both women’s beauty).

What would have been the outcome of fate and history if, while Jacob was admiring Rachel, she asked him what his story was? How and why did he come to that village? What was he running from? What does his nuclear family background look like? Would she have still agreed to marry him? Shared his interest in her? Endured all the dysfunction and drama in their marriage? The dysfunction of jealousy between her and her older sister and the ensuing strife. 

Leah is jealous of the love her husband has for her younger sister, Rachel, and competes with her for his love. On the flip side, Rachel’s jealousy stems from the comparison of her fertility to Leah’s. Leah is able to many children for Jacob, immediately and frequently. While Rachel has been infertile for years. The Lord does eventually open her womb. The root of this envious relationship is the polygamist marriage initiated by their father, Laban. I believe this forced polygamy resulted from Jacob reaping the harvest of his prior deceit.

Genesis 30:1

Now when Rachel saw that she had not borne Jacob any children, [a]she became jealous of her sister; and she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or else I am going to die.

Genesis 30: 14 

Now in the days of wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrake fruits in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” 15 But she said to her, “Is it a small matter for you to take my husband? And would you take my son’s mandrakes also?” So Rachel said, “Therefore he may sleep with you tonight in return for your son’s mandrakes.”

I say all this as a reminder to you ladies that while being a virtuous woman, you should select a husband who is your reciprocal, as this can affect the trajectory of your life. We live in modern times (as it pertains to mate selection), and this works to our advantage. It means we can choose our spouses. Some may argue that this is to our detriment and that arranged marriages have a higher success rate. There can be an argument made for that. 

With us making spousal decisions, we have the power and free will to decline a man’s advances if we don’t feel that it is a match or if we don’t feel comfortable. Just because a suitor expresses interest does not mean we have to open that door. Do not allow just anyone to lay claim to you. Exert your authority and seek God’s guidance in dating. Peace should be the overwhelming feeling when the person is from the Lord.

As women, we cannot let our passivity or fear of rejecting someone propel us into a relationship we weren’t meant to be in. Or even more commonly, we allow the anxiety of our biological clocks and lack of faith in God to provide us with a spouse, driving us to settle with a partner that is no good! Please do not allow your hunger (whether lust of the flesh or lack of faith) to make you sell your birthright, as Esau sold his to his brother! No partner is better than the wrong one! Your season of singleness is not a disease! Singlehood is a gift and a blessing, just like marriage to the right person is a gift and a blessing.

Vetting a Man for Marriage - Woman Contemplating Relationship Choices"

Things to Inquire About When Dating, as from the Story of Jacob

ASK HIM:

What is your faith? What is your religion?

In the Story of Jacob, his parents were first concerned with him marrying someone from a familiar bloodline. We can interpret this to mean marrying someone or marrying into a family of the same faith as us. This should be the first thing you inquire about Ladies!

Are there any negative patterns within your family?

There is an obvious generational pattern of deceit and lying on Jacob’s end. He also has a strained relationship with his twin brother, which causes him to flee. When you get to know someone, it is good to inquire or allow the person to open up about their family. A person’s family can tell us much about what you can be getting yourself into before and after marriage. 

Are they able to recognize those things? Have they prayed against the dysfunction? Or prayed explicitly that the pattern they notice will stop with them?

Are there any unresolved conflicts they have with any family members? If so, what are they? And who are they in conflict with? Which family members are they closest to? How close are they to them? How do they feel about boundaries in marriage? Do they feel like boundaries need to be set with parents and siblings in marriage?

We see something that can be an oversight when we overspiritualize things. Jacob was not attracted to Leah, the older sister. Men must be attracted to us! They are visually wired! This is one of many reasons why we should allow men to approach us. This is to protect us and reassure us that when they approach, it is because they want to! Laban, Jacob’s father-in-law, forced his daughter on someone who wasn’t attracted to her, setting her up to feel unloved. Therefore, if a suitor comes up to us, we don’t even need to inquire if he is attracted because it’s apparent that he is.

In the same breath, we must also ask ourselves:

Am I attracted to HIM?

Attraction on both ends is essential!

Don’t be afraid to ask those critical questions. Questions can provide insight into a man’s history and relationship with others, including his family. Modes of behavior that he deems as acceptable or unacceptable. Ask questions about his family background (not that we are all products of our environments). With this, you can see if the person has risen above the dysfunction, toxicity, or character flaws in their bloodline. When dating, we must pray that men we are not Ordained to be with will not cling to us. And pray that we may make a sound decision for a future spouse. Take mental notes and decide when to move forward in a relationship and when not to. Do not feel the need to attach yourself to someone prematurely.

Dating Questions to Ask Before Becoming Official

You should be asking questions throughout your whole dating process. Now is the time. Too often, we see unsuccessful or failed marriages happen when two people don’t ask the right questions, or any at all. I remember my husband having a whole questions folder for me that he saved in the Notes app on his iPhone. He was so intentional about getting to know me, and I found it endearing. He was also very transparent. I had many questions to ask him but didn’t need to because he was already sharing. Transparency in a man is a very important quality. You can trust him because he is willing to share and does it without being asked.

Here are some more questions that can be asked and discussed:

What’s your outlook on dating? What does dating look like to you?

What’s your dating history? 

Do you see yourself getting married?  

What are your thoughts on sex before marriage? Abstinence?

Have you ever had a run-in with the law? Any past dealings in crime? 

Have you been married before? How many times? If so, is your divorce finalized? Why did the two of you divorce? What did you learn from that prior marriage? What would you do differently?

Do you have children? How many?

Health status? Genetic illnesses, etc.

Ask yourself:

Are you at peace with the answers he gave to those questions? Are you settling? Think introspectively.

We have to go through hoops and loops of verification and questioning like credit reports and background checks to purchase homes and cars or even to be gainfully employed. So why not one of the most important decisions of our lives (spouse selection)?

P.S. Ladies, please be prepared and okay with him asking you the same questions or more in return. We should have standards, and so should the men we are dating.

The Gold Standard in Mate Selection & The Husband’s Role

Our husbands are to wash us and consecrate us. Just as Christ does with his bride (the church), this relationship is our blueprint for marriage. How can an ungodly man lead, protect, or set an example for us? 

Ephesians 5

22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

The Bible is full of imperfect men of God. We are all imperfect and fall short of the glory of God. I am sure God’s son Jacob, was not all bad, but let us learn from his story. We know he was a man of God, from the lineage of God, as God does not make a covenant with those of bad seed. 

Abstract Questions to ask yourself about your suitor

We are told in God’s word to be equally yoked. But, please remember: Not every man of God is meant to be your husband. Just because he and you are Christian does not mean you are compatible; don’t get caught up in this myth. If we are to be submissive, we should be able to “submit to the vision of the man.”

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I know where this man is going in life?

What are his long-term goals? Short-term goals? Where will he be leading us? (How can you submit to a man or trust him if you don’t like where he is headed? Ask him these questions. That way, you can get a glimpse into what life could look like for the two of you.

Do I admire him as a person?

You see, as a woman, our submission and respect for a man are often wrapped up in our admiration of him. You should look up to him as an individual but also as your future husband and God-willing father of your children. Beware, if you don’t admire this man, it won’t be that surprising that you will not be able to respect him. If everything he does irritates you, alarms you, or you feel the need to correct, these may be clues.

Do I respect him?

Equally Yoked in Spirit but not in Lifestyle.

Do I want to take part in the lifestyle he’s currently living or the one he talks about in the future?

In dating, observe how a person is living and decide whether you want to join him in his current lifestyle. If not, does he talk about upgrading or downgrading in the future? For example, you are a woman who loves to be wined, dined, and gifted. Is your suitor on the frugal side? He may deem fine dining unnecessary or outrageous or consider it frivolous spending. Maybe he doesn’t have the financial means to wine and dine you, but if he did, he would. Will he have the means in the future, or is he at his earning capacity? Are you okay with this? 

Maybe he is a very simple man, and it’s not even a thought for him, but he has other redeeming qualities. Will you overlook something you value or think it to be inconsiderate? Will you still be able to appreciate him in the long run? Generally speaking, you guys talk about getting married in the future, and he mentions furnishing the house within two years, whereas you would like to get those major pieces within six months. 

Can he afford to purchase a home? Has he been a good steward of his money while single in preparation to be a husband and provider of the household? 

Do you want to move to a totally new place or territory once married to cultivate your life together? Or does he want to stay in his hometown? Does one of you prefer to stay close to family? Maybe he talks of moving his aging parents in with him at a certain point, or perhaps it’s something you would like. Are you in agreement? What is your stance on living with family?

Do we agree on the roles we would play in our household if we get married?

Is he a traditionalist? Are you a traditionalist? Will you want to be a stay-at-home wife or mother in the future? Does he agree with this? Or maybe he wants you to stay at home after having children. Will you be okay with this? Does he believe in the man being the primary breadwinner or sole provider of the household? Does he want you to financially contribute a percentage towards the bills?

Does he eat leftovers or want fresh food to be cooked daily? This may seem like a funny question, but I remember working with many older women who would mention that their husbands did not eat leftovers, and for years, they would cook fresh food multiple times a day. One coworker told me she woke up at dawn to meal prep every day. Those spoken experiences caused me to ask this question to my now husband while dating. And much to my relief, he was a leftover eater. Haha! You may be reading this and saying I don’t mind at all. But, maybe you do, well then you must ask!

You see, lifestyle questions are crucial! We cannot over-spiritualize everything. Just because the two of you are on the same page faith-wise, it doesn’t mean you should be together. I read somewhere that if couples can agree on these things, it creates a successful relationship and a good foundation.

Faith

Finances

In-laws (Boundaries, etc)

Child-rearing

Roles within the Household

The Major Biblical Red Flag

Back to the true meaning of being unequally yolked, which is not to share the same faith. Here’s what the Bible has to say:

2 Corinthians 6

14 Do not be [g]mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with [h]Belial, or [i]what does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement does [j]the temple of God have with idols? For we are [k]the temple of the living God. 

To be mismatched does not only include worship of the same God but also spiritual maturity! Faith is not something to be compromised on when you are a believer! This can be someone new in the faith versus someone who has been walking with God for many years. It’s often challenging when the woman is more spiritually mature. I’ve witnessed personal examples of this and have read biblical stories of similar scenarios. This tug-of-war could come from the man’s role as the head of the household and priest of the home. He sets the spiritual tone.

God’s Grace

God gives grace in areas where two people are unequally yoked, but know this route is challenging. Read for yourself:

1 Corinthians 7

12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not [g]divorce her. 13 And [h]if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not [i]divorce her husband. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through [j]her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, [k]let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called [l]us in peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Keep in mind that God’s instruction is there with purpose. It is not there to stifle us, to cage us in, or to irritate us. He has our best interest at heart. Do not allow disobedience in his word to lead you to heartbreak. Do not look past the most crucial thing when you vet a man for marriage, which is to be on the same page regarding your beliefs. There are two essential decisions that everyone will make in their lives. Number one is their decision and faith in God, affecting where they will spend eternity. Number two is the person whom they choose to marry. One of the results of marrying the wrong person is divorce; the others include sacrificing your mental health, stress, strife, children, lifestyle, etc. Choose to enter this decision through the narrow gate. 

Matthew 7 

13 “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.

The word of God is him speaking to us; we use biblical examples to apply to our lives. 

Please remember that this is an interpretation of a biblical story used for real-life application. As I studied this story, I was led to understand it in the context of dating. We read the Bible, and a familiar passage may one day come alive! Does this happen to you, too? Prayerfully, this may touch a woman’s heart in the dating season. In the Word of God, it says:

2 Timothy 3

16 All Scripture is [i]inspired by God and beneficial for teaching, for [j]rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness;17 so that the man or woman of God may be [k]fully capable, equipped for every good work.

The Bible says NOT to AWAKEN or arouse LOVE before its TIME!

Song of Solomon 8:4

“Swear to me, you daughters of Jerusalem:
[a]Do not disturb or awaken my love
Until she pleases.”

Are you, or have you previously awakened love before properly vetting a man? Before asking those pertinent questions? God wants us to trust him with our love lives and with one of the most important decisions in our lives.

Please share in the comments section what you took from this biblical story. Share your experiences dating, or if you have a different interpretation. There is so much to learn! And I look forward to hearing from you!

Watch the video below of a woman of God teaching how to vet a man for marriage. She provides a unique perspective on “How to Collect Data when Dating” (a phrase she coined). As well as how to choose a Shepherd—Psalms 23 husband, with wisdom and discernment. 

https://youtu.be/jKBU-T22y6A?si=rFoMM1Y0LbWKM92u

Be blessed.

How You Can Develop Emotional Control

/ Biblical, Encouraging, Faith, Self Development, Thought Piece / 4 Comments
Developing Emotional Control biblically (blog post title image)
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Hello Lovely, 

Have you ever found yourself in a season of being frequently triggered by everyone and everything? For example, it could be negative comments made by family members, friends, or colleagues, all within a short time. Or multiple interactions that have left you feeling uncomfortable. And even similar interactions with people have left you feeling drained energetically, working on the last nerve you had for the day. What about scrolling down your social media timeline only to feel anxious, unaccomplished, and purposeless? All of these examples could have one’s emotions spiraling. 

BEING UNBOTHERED TO COMBAT OUR TRIGGERS

Typically when we find ourselves triggered, the root of it boils down to five primary emotions; fear, offense, envy, sadness, and irritation. A trigger is a stressor, which could lead to an adverse emotional reaction. I am sure you have heard the popular term being unbothered. A state of being in which a person is unaffected by things that would bother most. Wouldn’t it be lovely to go through life peacefully, knowing that no one could affect you emotionally? Is being unbothered even realistic? Is it biblical?

When we encounter terms in our world that become normalized, it is good to know God’s views on them, so we search for the answers in the Bible. The Bible says wisdom comes from the word of the Lord (Jeremiah 8:9) and that one should pursue it. Hearing the word of the Lord is the first step in acquiring wisdom; the second is aligning your heart to receive/understand this wisdom (Proverbs 2:1). To receive something in your heart means that you accept it as truth and you apply it to your life. True wisdom is APPLIED to one’s life. Let us be doers of the word and not just hearers only, as it says in (Jeremiah 1:22-25). Let us not just memorize scriptures but inscribe them on our hearts to use in times of need. 

Emotional Control: The Biblical Answer

Ephesians 4:26 says Be angry but do not sin. Therein lies our biblical answer. God recognizes that we as humans have emotions and that they come naturally. He is not telling us to ignore these feelings; instead, he gives us something more powerful. Be angry, but DON’T SIN, and don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. There are two aspects of this command. First, allow yourself to feel how you feel, whether anger, hurt, irritation, etc., but do NOT sit in that emotion for too long. Sitting in one’s feelings for too long can cause an onslaught of things, including hardening of the heart, bitterness, resentment, rage, anxiety, depression, gossip, ruminating thoughts, and more. He is leading us on a path of EMOTIONAL CONTROL.

Adults must understand that WE are responsible for our triggers, whatever the root cause. Therefore, we should not walk into life thinking that others will change to accommodate us, but instead, learn to have emotional control. The only thing we can do is change our reactions/responses to various triggers. As a Christian, having emotional control is significant because we are to be a good testimony to unbelievers. We can’t do that by being emotionally unstable or numbing ourselves into a faux state of unbothered ness. We are to be examples to others through good conduct, which comes from true wisdom according to the word (James 3:13).

EMOTIONAL CONTROL CONCERNING FEMININITY

Now, how does developing emotional control apply to femininity? As women, we are wired emotionally. It is biological. What does this mean? It means that God created us with a complex reproductive system that goes through a monthly cycle that affects our hormone levels. I am sure you are familiar with the two reproductive hormones estrogen and progesterone, but you may need to become more familiar with their functions or the effect it has on the body. Women produce higher amounts of these two in comparison to men. Because men do not go through a monthly cycle, their hormone levels are stabilized, which means fewer, if any, mood swings. Women go through periods of the month where these specific hormones dip high and low. Estrogen increases the brain’s serotonin levels (a hormone associated with happiness), and progesterone has the opposite depressing effect. Below is an Infograph which shows visually the stability in the rise and fall of male hormones daily. In comparison to the drastic shifts in hormone levels for women on a monthly basis.

Infographic displaying a comparison of male and female monthly hormone levels. The graph shows a significant difference in hormone levels between genders, highlighting the challenges women may face in managing their emotions due to hormonal fluctuations throughout the month

With all this being said, as women, we must take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Whatever you are thinking, causing you to feel what you feel, align it with God. The Bible says, “the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down.” That’s how vital a role we play in our homes and society is. Our biology is not to be used as an excuse for poor control. So how do we use the Word of God to combat these emotions bound to rise within us? 

Let’s study what the word has to say. 

Emotional Control Tips: Bringing The Emotions Into Subjection

OFFENSE

When it comes to offense, we have all been there. Someone says something to offend us, and at first, shock turns into dismay, then rage or irritation, ending in bitterness. Offense can make us feel on guard like we have to fight back with our words, especially if there’s a clue that the person has offended us intentionally. It is essential to ask God to give us emotional intelligence. This emotional intelligence will help us understand that what people say often are projections of their insecurities and look at it from another perspective. On the other hand, we may get offended by hearing the truth; however gently it may have been delivered. The prior is something we must assess and reconcile within ourselves. 

Have Emotional Intelligence

In dealing with people’s projections and insecurities, we must remember to harvest the fruit of the spirit; patience (Galatians 5:23).

The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, skillful in teaching, patient when wronged (2 Timothy 2:24).

1 Peter 3:9. ‘Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.

He does not want us to insult a person to get even. This is a part of having emotional intelligence. 

When people say offensive things out of hate and to embarrass, we also have to get comfortable with God being our defender and protector. The sooner we understand this, the less emotional we get when we feel offended because we know he is a just God, and if we need vindication, he will vindicate us. 

Psalm 23:5 

He prepares a table for us in the presence of our enemies. 

Romans 12:19 

Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.

Matthew 5:44

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Though these scriptures may seem extreme because they give us a picture of warfare, battlegrounds, and enemies, we must understand that offense can cause us to view people as our enemies; if indeed they are, then have no worries because God has your back. 

Offense can sometimes come from people telling us a truth we cannot handle, magnifying our insecurities. Meditate on this verse as a prayer so that God can reveal to you whether or not there are some things you can improve. 

Psalm 139:23-24

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

But how do we respond to those we are offended by, whether the offense was intentional or unintentional?

Say less

James 1:19 

The Bible tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Put this into practice whenever you feel like lashing out against someone who has offended you. Do not allow others to control your emotions and get you riled up. 

Proverbs 18:2

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. 

Bring it up

The Lord does not want us to cower in fear; on the contrary, he wants us to develop the communication skills necessary to address our issues with others in a non-confrontational and personal way.

Matthew 18:25

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 

Delivery

So how do you tell the person the fault you have with them? Below is a scripture that gives us insight into our delivery when addressing others. 

Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so you know how to respond to each person. (Colossians 4:6)

Forgive

When we have patience with people plus emotional intelligence, it allows us to understand they may have their own issues and that even if they intentionally try to offend us, God has our back; the last thing to do is forgive and move on.

Colossians 3:12–13

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Ephesians 4:2-3

 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

ENVY/COMPARISON

In the age of social media, there is a constant update on the lives of others. Social media can be a source of inspiration and encouragement but also the source of many evils, including comparison, which can lead to anxiety, jealousy, and envy. If you are in a constant cycle of envy and comparison due to social media, you may need to detox from it fast or eliminate your accounts. 

Matthew 5:30 

And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is. Better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

We know covetousness is a sin (Exodus 20:17), and envy is the root. Therefore, do not be attached to anything causing you to sin. Everyone has different weaknesses, and if social media fuels competition in you or envy, it may be best to limit or eliminate your usage. 

Envy and comparison can persist outside of social media. We must remember that we should be grateful for God’s blessings. There’s always someone with less. 

Meditate on these scriptures:

1 Timothy 6:6

Godliness with contentment produces great gain

The key to keeping comparison and envy in check is to be grateful and content with what God has blessed you and celebrate with others. Another God-given key is to busy yourself with your affairs; that way, you can be proud of your accomplishments. In doing so, you know you have worked hard towards fulfilling your purpose. 

Galatians 6:4

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.

This combination of wisdom given to us will leave no room for envy.

Remember to be GRATEFUL FOR YOUR BLESSINGS, BE CONTENT, BUSY YOURSELF, and CELEBRATE OTHERS

FEAR

Fear is a common emotion that can lead to many complex ones like worry, ruminating thoughts, anxiety, and health issues. However, just because it is common does not mean it is from God.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of a sound mind.

Remember to take your fearful thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. Developing emotional control is imperative because our thoughts result from our emotions. And if the Bible tells us that he has not put in us a spirit of fear, you must rebuke it! The spirit of power, love, and a sound mind should be what combats this spirit of fear. Try to understand and identify your concerns and bring them to the Lord in prayer.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Whenever you get that tinge of fear, the first point of action should be to bow your head in prayer.

HURT/GRIEF

Jesus wept (John 11:35), which is said to be the shortest verse in the Bible. At this moment, he was grieving the death of his friend Lazarus just before he resurrected him. So, we see that even Jesus felt pain, grief, and hurt while on this earth. 

There are many scriptures where God reassures us of his proximity to us in times of pain. Whether that be heartbreak, the death of a loved one, or feelings of loneliness, his main encouragement is that he understands and is near us, even when we feel alone. Understanding the gospel and how these feelings of pain are temporary compared to the eternal life to be lived by God’s believers and followers should be something to look forward to; the light at the end of a tunnel in moments and seasons of hurt. 

Please meditate on these words:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything and, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:4

A time to weep and a time to laugh

Revelation 21:4

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

IRRITATION

Irritation is an interesting emotion because it can come from anywhere. The source could be for no good reason besides you getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Or it could be from those biological mood swings we discussed earlier. Lastly, it could be as deep as having a lack of patience or being victimized by another based on prior interactions—either way, the Lord wants to deal with our irritation. The irritation causes us to show disdain for people and a lack of patience, caused by stress or a byproduct of anger. 

Remember these scriptures when you feel yourself in this emotional space:

 James 1:19 

You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;

Galatians 5:22

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

There is much more to unpack and scripture to aid us in developing emotional control. This study of the word taught me how much wisdom is available if we are willing to pursue it. God deems nothing too small to be focused on, including our emotions. Nor does he leave us ill-equipped for self-development. 

Remember, ladies, we are emotional beings but must have emotional control. Our well-being depends on it.

I hope this blesses you in reading as much as it blessed me in writing. God bless you.

P.S. Check out the previous blog post on Creating a Soft Life. I hope you enjoy it!

Creating A Soft Life

/ Femininity, Lifestyle / 2 Comments

An Intro

Feminine Lifestyle & Aesthetic

An illustration of a woman of color with curly hair relaxing in a bathtub surrounded by candles. She has a book in hand. Houseplants are in the background. She is representing a soft life.

Hello Lovely,

Do you want to create a soft life? Are you already living a soft life? Do you know what having a soft life means?

If you are active on social media, you know women are trying to move into a new trend or era. This new trend that is being explored is something called “The Soft Girl Aesthetic.” If you have no clue, don’t feel left out. I am about to break it down. 

It’s always interesting to see how society progresses into different ages with each passing decade. I see a new shift in femininity, and I love it. As a black woman, I will have to frame my observation of this shift through the lens of my cultural exposure and experience. 

The Miss Independent and Boss Babe

For the past decade, it seems the “Miss Independent” character of a woman was what was glorified; thanks, Ne-Yo. This woman could do any and everything with or without a man. She took charge of her career, relationships, and personal life. She had her own stuff, did her own thing, and wanted you but did not need you. Over the past few years, this has transitioned into the “Boss Babe” aesthetic with the rise of entrepreneurs and the rise of social media influencers, and the increasing level of high-earning, well-educated women. Everyone now wants to be a boss.

But what implications does the Miss Independent or the Boss Babe lifestyle/mindset have on a woman’s psyche? Have we seen an influx of hyper-masculine women since, such that society has not seen before? Is this due to women putting on or having to put on roles that overshadow their identities or dilute their femininity? As a society of women, are we suffering from burnout so that we can fit into the Boss Babe aesthetic? This is a loaded topic that I am afraid one blog post won’t do enough justice to unpack. 

Within the past two years, there seems to be an increase in femininity content. I am glad to contribute to or add to this increase, as I feel this has been lacking for a long time. You can search on Youtube and Pinterest and find hundreds and thousands of content creators sharing hygiene routines, feminine dating advice, etiquette, ways to dress, etc. It looks like we are tapping back into the source or attributes of traditional womanhood.

The End of an Era ~ Enter The Soft Girl

And now we have the “Soft Girl Era.” There may be many interpretations or definitions of what it means to be a soft girl or have a soft life, but I will give you mine. A “soft life” means curating a life that allows a woman to rest in her femininity. Resting in your femininity means embodying the traditional characteristics of a woman, the opposite of what hard is. It means avoiding burnout to remain delicate spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. A soft girl does not overexert herself, but this does not mean she is lazy. It means she plans and prepares for things in advance. She budgets for outsourcing specific tasks and is unafraid to ask for help. It also means she takes time out of her schedule for self-care.

What it means to have a “Soft Life” and how the “Soft Girl Era” promotes rest and femininity.

You don’t have to give into burnout culture. One can have boundaries for peace of mind, be as delicate as a flower in nature and speech, and dress femininely. As an aspiring “Soft-Girl,” you can outsource specific tasks outside your capacity. You can allow time in the day for leisure, meditation, and rest. You do not have to be a workhouse all of the time. Life will never be stress-free, but we can get a handle on what we can control.

I’m not sure if this gives you a good enough vision of what this life looks like. Maybe you have only had the opposite examples in your life or childhood, so this idea seems a bit foreign and odd. Step outside of your environment and tap into how you want your life to operate or what you want it to look like. Sometimes we have to become the prototype we are looking to others for. I firmly believe in not having to be wealthy to curate the life you want, so feel free to budget and plan for things you choose to prioritize. Work smart, not hard.

Before the meat of it all, I would like to put out a disclaimer. Creating a “Soft Life” does not mean life suddenly becomes stress-free. It just means looking for ways to decrease our load so that we, as women, are not tapping into the most frazzled versions of ourselves but tapping into our God-given ability to be emotionally present for ourselves and others. To be kind, gentle, pleasant, and well-maintained. 

The Soft Life

With all that being said, let’s get into these examples of how to “Create a Soft Life” as a woman.

1. Budget 

Live within your means. Don’t keep up with the Jones.’

There’s nothing worse than trying to live a life you cannot afford. Be honest and ask yourself whether peace, freedom, or material things are more important. If you feel like you are drowning in bills or are just living to work, consider downsizing (however that looks to you). Budgeting also plays a huge role. These two things create fewer expenses and help you manage expenses so that your surplus can be used on bills, debt, and miscellaneous items. You can even use the surplus to fund services that take the weight of life off of you. Fewer expenses mean you don’t have to pick up double or triple shifts to make ends meet, resulting in less stress.

Save

This is an extension of the prior. Don’t spend to the ceiling of your income. Try putting at least a certain percentage of your choice, into savings, for a rainy day. This security of having some money stored away will make you feel more at ease in times to come. 

2. Useful Services

Get Triple-A

Especially important for a woman that may not have a male, someone around them that knows cars, or someone who can lend a helping hand amid car troubles. This is a must. Getting a Triple A membership allows you to have roadside assistance in times of need. We all know that life is unpredictable, and nothing is worse than trying to start your car and realizing the battery is dead with no one to give you a boost or things like a flat tire. Consider this if you often run into car struggles, and it’s causing you stress.

Car service

We all have days when we want to be chauffeured. If you don’t feel like driving, taking public transportation, or living in a city and don’t want to deal with street parking, think about a car/taxi service. Popular mobile apps like Uber or Lyft make booking simple. I assure you, it’s worth the peace of mind and the occasional luxury.

Hair appointment

If you have a lot of hair or if it’s thick, coarse, and curly like mine, you can relate to me when I say washing hair day is a workout and a chore. Sometimes I cannot deal. So, when you cannot deal and would rather sit in a chair and be pampered, please do it! While at it, check out the blog post on creating a “Feminine Maintenance Routine.” Hair appointments are one of those things that I think every woman should book every once in a while.

Purchase a mobile hotspot (for those who work from home)

If you have the pleasure of a WFH job, don’t become a slave to your own home. Invest in a mobile hotspot that allows you to change scenery while working. Whether that’s on the beach or in a hotel downtown. Use the privilege you have to your advantage. 

3. Ask for Help

Feminine women are okay with asking for help in times of need.

Go to therapy or seek counsel.

If you are struggling emotionally or need to vent, speak to someone. It will feel like a load lifted.

Call a friend or family member.

If you have a task you can’t do on your own, whether moving, heavy lifting, etc., lean on your support system and the people who care about you for their help.

Seek the Face of God

God should be our best friend. His word says he will never leave us nor forsake us. His word also says he is the Prince of Peace. Lean on him for everything, commit your work to him, and he will direct your steps. He says his yoke is easy, and his burden is light; you will find rest in him. How better to live a soft life than to give every burden to the King of Kings? Read his word, meditate on it, and pray to him; he will supply your needs. 

Philippians 4:6
New International Version
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Proverbs 3:5-6
New International Version
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Matthew 11:28-30
New International Version
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Deuteronomy 31:8
New International Version
8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Isaiah 9:6
New International Version
6 For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

4. Outsource

Time is money. Consider outsourcing for things that are beyond your capacity or that you don’t have the time and energy to attend to. This can free up your day to spend however you please. Some things on this list may seem super luxurious or pricey, and some may be just that, but let me challenge you to still inquire about the rates of each service. You may be surprised that certain services may be within your reach.

Examples of outsourcing services you can consider:

  • Meal prep companies (Here’s one I use “Green Chef – Click the link for $150 off when you place your first order)
  • Grocery delivery services (InstaCart) for when you don’t feel like roaming down the aisles for two hours, leaving your house, or having multiple things to do for the day.
  • Cleaning Service (Not always as expensive as you think. Ask for rates and don’t count it out)
  • Private Chef (This may be a luxury, but if you have disposable income, why not!)
  • Laundry Service (your local laundromat may provide these services; walk in or call to inquire)

5. Create Boundaries

Learn When to say No, and Don’t overextend yourself.

It isn’t every request you are presented with that you have to say yes to. If you are a Christ follower, you know we are called to have the fruits of the spirit, including kindness and goodness. But consider your mental and physical health. You can’t help others when you aren’t well yourself. If you are physically or emotionally drained, learn how to politely decline requests outside your capacity and pray for the discernment needed to know when you are being called to help. 

6. Chill Out

Quiet Quit

This new term has surfaced, which has a negative connotation if looked at from an employer’s standpoint. It means to do precisely what your job requires (the bare minimum). If you are dissatisfied with your workplace and have a little while before transitioning or want to preserve your energy, stop being an overachiever! Consider doing what you are supposed to do but nothing more. Have a set goal for the day you know your employer would be satisfied, and do just that. Don’t overwork or burn yourself out. Remember to work smart, not hard. And keep in mind your work/life balance.

Spa Day/Self-Care

Plan a Spa day or make a spa appointment (massages and wellness treatments are therapeutic, so indulge when you can). Check out the blog post on a “Feminine Self-Care Routine” for targets to hit when treating yourself at home.

Laugh a little

Laughter is food for the soul. Take time to laugh and hang out with family, friends, or yourself. Watch a comedy special or go to one in person. Binge-watch some shows or hang out with friends.

Have daily quiet/meditation time

Whether you are extroverted or introverted, we all need quiet time; this allows us to recharge personally, socially, and spiritually. If you are constantly surrounded by bustling activity and people, when do you have the opportunity for peace of mind or to hear from God? If it is hard to escape, create a prayer/isolation closet, plan an intentional solo weekend trip/date, and get creative.

7. Plan for the Future

The Bible says there is a season for everything; there’s a time to sow and reap. There may be certain seasons in your life when you will be planting seeds to see personal and spiritual growth. In those seasons, you will work harder than usual, but in due time you will be able to harvest the fruit of your labor. Those seeds may involve education (for increased income or personal achievement), physical labor (for a move), creating passive income, child-rearing, etc. Those things may result in sleepless nights, mental strain, and physical exhaustion, but to eat, you must plant. Proper care, thought, and planning invested into your future will help you to live easily in times to come.

Create Passive Income

Your life vision may not be to continue up the corporate ladder or to clock in until retirement. You may want to increase your lifestyle to outsource daily tasks, create free time, or provide security for those closest to you (like children/loved ones). Find ways to make your money work for you. Consider investing in real estate, stocks, or creating a business. This long-term plan allows for more income revenue.

Invest In Yourself 

Get a certification, take a course, find opportunities to network, or go back to school. Investing in yourself by acquiring new skills can make you more marketable. This marketability may increase personal achievement and opportunities for higher pay, which can increase your lifestyle and allow for a surplus of income that can go towards savings, outsourcing, or debt.

Meal prep food for the week in advance

Set aside a day when you prep food to be cooked throughout the week or cook food to be heated up throughout the week. Either way, it’s less to worry about as days follow. 

Have specific chore days

Split your chores. Have a laundry day, a meal prep day, a self-care day, running errands, and a cleaning day. Cramming all your to-dos can be stressful; try to space them out.

8. Aesthetic

Create a beautiful home space.

Make your house a home. You don’t need to live in a big house to find contentment and joy. Whether in a small apartment building, a private house, a condo, or a single-family home, decorate, and have pride in your space. Your environment can invoke peace and make you feel soft and luxurious. Do you ever walk into a messy space and it gives you a chaotic feeling or a room that is just bare with no personalization? Both can make one feel a bit uncomfortable.  Check out VivaTerra if you want some green living-inspired decor. They have a unique inventory!

9. Take Regular Vacations

You may not opt to travel at all, but taking some time away from work allows us to reset and intentionally unplug. Traveling produces an opportunity to change scenery, experience different cultures, and have fun. When travel or vacations become a regular part of your life, it can help you defeat that endless cycle of life schedule disdain, especially if you know your next vacation is just around the corner.

Traveling gets you out of your bubble and makes you realize there is a world to be experienced. Sometimes people equate vacations with luxury. Vacations can be luxurious (of course), but they can be planned, budgeted for, and economical. If regular vacations are not already a part of your yearly routine, try them out. I am sure you will see how much more refreshed you are.

10. Relocate

There are seasons in your life when you may need to reposition. If you find yourself drained every day thinking about the environment you are in, it may be time for another. For example: If you live in a big city and just stepping out your door is a stressor, you may need to be elsewhere. Maybe it’s the cost of living where you are, the parking, the noise, or the fact that you must live with roommates/relatives to get by. You may be by people who are not beneficial to your mental health. Don’t be afraid of change. Something in your spirit may even be telling you it’s time. Pray about it first, and make a move. Follow that up with research on an ideal place for you and some financial planning.

11. Change Careers

Do not put yourself in a box. Be fearless. Sometimes we believe ourselves to be monoliths. You are allowed to be many things in this lifetime. Don’t allow yourself to think that because you have invested so much into education and a career, you must stay in that place forever. And definitely, don’t stay where you feel unfulfilled or overworked. Don’t stay places where you feel your heart calling you elsewhere. Try to brainstorm and self-reflect about what you ultimately want. This change may be just what you needed to live a soft life because you’d be doing what you want on your terms.

12. Invest in Luxury Items

When you reach a certain level of maturity and stability as a woman, it is time to invest in luxury items. Luxury items provide you with a state of great comfort and extravagance. I believe that every woman deserves to feel luxurious. Think about the things that you desire and admire. Lean into those things, knowing they can enhance or increase your lifestyle. 

Some examples of luxury items include:

  • Invest in some high-quality clothing items for your wardrobe instead of the fast fashion websites that have become popular. (A little black dress that can be worn on several occasions; A high-quality leather purse; high-quality pumps in standard colors like red, black, brown, and nude; Good quality leather flats, a cashmere sweater)

When investing in clothing and shoes, consider high-quality materials and fabrics like leather, silk, cashmere, suede, and wool. Clothing and accessories can be investment pieces to be resold in the future, should they hold value. They can also allow you to save money because they last for so long when kept in good condition. As opposed to fast fashion brands that you have to throw out with every passing season because they rip and tear or are too trendy to want to wear some years from now. 

Other Luxury Items to consider:

  • A silk pillowcase to preserve that skin and moisture in your hair
  • A full-sized bottle of your favorite perfume
  • Timeless Jewelry pieces 
  • A pretty candle (Check out PaddyWax for thoughtfully designed, beautifully fragranced candles to set the ambiance and create nostalgia throughout your home)
  • A durable and fashionable suitcase for your travels
  • A set of Robes to wear at home, like A long silk one, A waffle or terrycloth robe (for after a bath), or a plush one for just lounging around
  • Good quality undergarments like 100% Cotton underwear (my favorites are from the Jockey Brand) or lacy and pretty lingerie sets.
  • High quality close to medical grade or natural skin care. Investing in your skin while young produces apparent benefits. (Check out 100 Percent Pure– They are a company that sells all-natural skin care products and fruit-pigmented makeup. Remember that chemicals leech into the skin, and our skin is our body’s largest organ. So it is best to use products that are closest to nature. My favorite E-Commerce website Dermstore.com has a crazy inventory of some of the best skincare brands out there, be sure to check them out. Read the “Feminine Self Care Routine” blog post for some of my recommendations for yummy, good-quality products.)

Consider what resting in your femininity means when creating a Soft Life. What areas in your life can use some smoothing out? Tell me in the comments; I may be able to relate. Don’t forget to share with someone who would be interested!

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Thanks for sticking by until the end!

I hope this was helpful!

Start creating that Soft Life, girl!

God bless.

FALL HOME DECOR HAUL

/ Decor, Hauls, Homemaking / Comments Off on FALL HOME DECOR HAUL

BRING THE FALL SEASON INSIDE

Image of a shopping cart overflowing with fall decor items in various shades of orange, yellow, and burgundy. The items in the cart include pumpkins, leaves, candles, and other autumn-themed decorations
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The fall season is quickly creeping upon us! How exciting! That means harvest season, pumpkin spice, apple pies, and bursts of warm, rich colors like burnt orange, burgundy, yellows, browns, greens, cozy sweaters, crisp weather, and fall decor! What’s not to love?

I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to bring each season into my home by decorating to match it. I may have gone on a shopping craze at one of my favorite home decor stores, but boy, was it worth it! Here’s how you can bring the fall season into your home as I share some of the things I picked up!

FRAGRANCE

Pumpkin spice, apple pie, etc. These were some of the first things that came to mind before the fall decor haul. Those comforting and yummy smells are not strangers to this season. Indulge your senses and create nostalgia. Snag some gourmand-scented candles, form an essential oil blend, add potpourri to a glass vase, and it will feel like it whenever you step into your home. I purchased a pumpkin spice candle, and the throw is so strong that it doesn’t need to be lit to fill the house with fragrance.

I filled a glass vase with potpourri and placed it at the center of my dining table.

Closeup image of a glass vase filled with potpourri in autumnal colors, such as orange, red, and yellow. The potpourri contains various natural elements like leaves, flowers, and berries, making it a perfect fall decor item for a dining table

WARM LIGHTING

We are slowly drifting into that season where the days are getting shorter, and nightfall is earlier—incorporating warm lighting throughout your house using battery-operated candles or real ones to mimic that feeling.

I purchased some candle holders and added floating candles and some timed battery-operated candles.

COLOR SCHEMES

Fall is full of color. Make a mental note of color schemes that include reds, oranges, and yellows, and include these colors into the fabrics of your home and accent pieces.

THROWS & THROW PILLOWS

Something about the new crisp weather calls for a certain level of coziness and warmth. Whip out throw blankets you have put away, or buy more with the color scheme and get underneath! Think soft and furry. 

TIP: If you already have an abundance of throw pillows, you can invest in seasonal throw pillowcases to switch out every season. 

I picked up some maple pillowcases, and I can’t get enough of how cute they are.

Closeup image of a burnt orange colored throw blanket with pumpkin impressions on it, creating a cozy and festive item for a couch or armchair
Pumpkin impression orange throw blanket
Closeup image of a collection of throw pillows on a couch, each with a different pattern that represents fall decor. The patterns include autumnal colors, leaves, pumpkins, and other seasonal motifs that add a cozy and festive touch to the room.
Throw pillows with textures and patterns
Closeup image of a collection of throw pillows on a couch, each with a different pattern that represents fall decor. The patterns include autumnal colors, leaves, pumpkins, and other seasonal motifs that add a cozy and festive touch to the room."

CURTAINS

Cool weather means drafts, and curtains are a great way to add a dramatic effect to any space while providing warmth. When getting curtains for fall, think of heavy fabrics that provide that warmth and a glamorous feel. Fabrics such as velvet, silk, and wool lend to the heaviness and opulence we speak of.

FLORAL

Who doesn’t love flowers and/or greenery to liven up an atmosphere? Get fresh or dried flowers with those rich colors and a colorful wreath, or opt for an artificial garland you can drape wherever you’d like. Pampas grass, yarrow flowers, and eucalyptus are all great options.

Closeup image of a floral wreath in shades of orange, displayed on a home bench. Two large yellow cushions are placed beneath the wreath, creating a cozy and inviting seating area that adds to the overall ambiance.
Floral Wreath and Mustard colored Floor Bench Cushions

DINING TABLE

This is a season of abundance! With harvest and Thanksgiving right around the corner, food has emerged. You will probably spend more time in this room In the next few months or might be open to entertaining. Curating an aesthetically appealing table will undoubtedly draw your guests’ eyes.

Think:

Table runner

Accent pieces

Placemats

Candles

And anything else you can think of

I purchased a gold table runner, gold candleholders, floating candles, and glass pumpkin accent pieces and filled a wide-mouthed cylinder vase with fall-colored potpourri. 

ACCENT PIECES

Consider the theme and let your personality shine through with the arrangement of these pieces. Pumpkins, apples, pine cones, anything that comes to mind!

Image of a fall decor sign placed on top of a home bench beneath a high ceiling. On either side of the sign, there are glass vases in orange with LED candles inside, creating a warm and inviting atmosphere
Image of a fall decor accent piece placed on a bathroom counter, featuring pumpkin votive candles surrounded by a larger pumpkin accent piece. The larger pumpkin has intricate designs carved into it, adding a touch of elegance to the overall rustic decor

I hope you enjoyed this Fall Decor Haul!

God Bless!

Feminine Maintenance Routine

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7 Appointments to Book as a Woman

The image features a beautifully designed graphic with florals, a planner and pen in background to represent someone planning their maintenance routine and creating a self-care feminine maintenance routine that suits their needs.

Hello Lovely,

Do you have a maintenance routine or schedule? 

The last time we spoke, we discussed self-care and amping up our natural beauty. We had major target areas to focus on, such as our: skin (face and body), nails, teeth, fragrance, and feet. Most of the things we discussed were ways to care for ourselves, taking a hands-on, DIY approach. But…what things should we budget for as a feminine woman? What appointments should we make related to beauty or health and wellness when seeking professional help or when we would like to preserve our energy? That, my friend, is called a maintenance schedule or routine.

Let’s get into it.

We can create a template for this maintenance routine using the same target areas. Please understand that maintenance as a woman is not only for beautifying ourselves outwardly, but it also considers things that allow us to rest in our femininity. Things that allow us to be soft and unwind. Activities that are health and wellness based.

Two things to consider are Your BUDGET and the Frequency of Scheduling. Your frequency for scheduling beauty and wellness appointments for target areas is based on your lifestyle. Ask yourself these questions: Do I want to supplement these appointments with my DIY self-care, or do I have a significant budget to take a hands-off approach? Do you live an active life that requires higher maintenance (exercise, events, etc.) Think about these things and plan accordingly.

As a woman, allowing ourselves to be pampered and paying for services without feeling guilty is okay. This allows for self-preservation in the physical sense (outward appearance) and mental (energy and peace).

Hair

Schedule a Hair appointment.

Find a hairstylist that is knowledgeable about hair health and styling. That way, when you want to look extra dolled up, you can, but not at the expense of damaging your hair. Get an added deep treatment service and enjoy that toe-curling shampoo scrub. 

Skin

A woman’s skin is to be nourished, nurtured, and treated. Glowing, smooth skin radiates femininity and can be a glimpse into one’s overall health. Mechanical exfoliation catalyzes removing dead skin cells and is very important in smooth skin. Treatments are also a must. 

Book A Facial

Find an esthetician (someone who specializes in beautifying the skin by providing cosmetic/superficial treatments) that you trust and whose services and products offer a noticeable change in your skin. An esthetician will give you extractions and provide services you wouldn’t usually be able to do on your own.

Get a Korean Body Scrub

This form of mechanical exfoliation originating in Korea removes the accumulation of gunk, dirt, and dead skin cells upon the surface of your skin (body), incorporating a gritty-like textured skin glove and hot water. It is worth a try! It is relaxing, and that baby smooth skin is worth it! Many Asian-inspired spas offer this service. There is a certain level of nudity, so keep this in mind.

Nails

Pencil in a Manicure and Pedicure Appointment

Groomed nails give a polished look. Search for a nail tech or experiment with salons that are within your budget and that you feel provide excellent service.

Health & Wellness

Book a massage

Massages are therapeutic in that they relieve stress and alleviate pain. They also provide an intentional way to unplug and escape. Find a spa that has experienced and skilled masseuses and gives you an ambiance of zen. And if you don’t want to leave your space, you can even book an in-home massage!

Join a gym or drop in on a fitness class.

Physical fitness is essential in how we feel about ourselves and our bodies. It can be a chore, but keeping active and exercising can release endorphins that alleviate stress and even help with period cramps! If you are looking for long-term investment and are sure to remain consistent, find a gym and get a membership. Suppose you want more autonomy and don’t want to make a financial commitment to drop in on a fitness class now and again. Zumba, pilates, yoga, HIIT, boot camps, it’s entirely up to you.

Seek counsel

Mental health has become increasingly normalized, and for a good reason. If you need help, seek it; there is no shame in this. Whether it’s a pastor, a counselor, a life coach, or a therapist, you cannot be your best self as a woman if you are struggling mentally. This counsel can be the one thing holding you back from embracing your God-given womanhood, so please consider it. It is worth the investment.

This list is just a reference. You may opt to do more or less. Have fun with it and make it your own. Tailor your womanly maintenance routine to fit your personal needs and desires. Having a maintenance routine allows you to be structured, organized, and intentional about self-preservation and allows you to put your most beautiful self forward.

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God Bless!

The Biblical Virtuous Woman vs. The Secular Renaissance Woman

/ Biblical, Faith, Femininity, Self Development / Comments Off on The Biblical Virtuous Woman vs. The Secular Renaissance Woman

Hello Lovely,

As we embark on this journey of virtuous renaissance womanhood, I thought it essential to discuss the foundation, model, and this state of being a woman. Who is a virtuous renaissance woman? Where does the idea come from? What does it mean to have either virtuous or renaissance qualities? And, how do the two parallel?

Comparing the two starts a conversation, shares insight, and presents an archetype. This archetype represents a woman of excellent capability, morale, and worth. I am also on this journey and don’t claim to know it all. 

The “Virtuous Woman” comes directly from the Bible, also known as “The Proverbs 31 Woman.” Proverbs is a book of wisdom in the Bible, written in poetry. Chapter 31 in the book of Proverbs introduces a prophecy told to King Lemuel by his mother. I encourage you to study this passage for yourself.

The Virtuous Woman

“Virtue” is the sum of her characteristics. The tenth verse of Proverbs chapter 31 introduces her as a wife. But, if we pay careful attention to the words, “Who can find a virtuous wife?” we understand that having virtue is a quality that exists before marriage. It is a quality that all women should work towards, regardless of marital status. But still, what does that word mean? To have Virtue is to have a high moral standard, according to the Oxford Dictionary. 

Outside of the secular definition, the Bible gives us this blueprint. Here are the 12 most notable characteristics of a Virtuous Woman.

Qualities of a Virtuous Woman

1. She’s TRUSTWORTHY

2. She’s a HARD WORKER

3. She’s GENEROUS and HOSPITABLE

4. She’s AN INVESTOR and makes smart investments

5. She EXERTS HER STRENGTH

6. She’s RESOURCEFUL

7. She is WELL-DRESSED

8. She’s INSIGHTFUL (has wisdom and intelligence)

9. She’s KIND in speech (check out this post on emotional control)

10. She’s a HOMEMAKER

11. Those closest to her know her worth and she is praised.

12. Her value comes from her FEAR IN THE LORD (not in her charm or looks)

The Renaissance Woman

As you can see, the qualities of the biblical virtuous woman are extensive. Now, let us look at the secular Renaissance Woman. There is not much of a blueprint for emulating this woman, but by definition, we know her to have many talents or areas of knowledge. Her many interests make her well-rounded. What we do know is that she was trained in the areas of arts and sciences; and committed to lifelong learning.

Both the biblical and the secular are exemplary. They both describe a woman who possesses great worth and is an asset to those closest to her. I can’t help but notice that the biblical example of this valuable woman has more depth and is less vague. The Bible focuses on the character qualities of an individual, in addition to developed skills, with emphasis on her love for God. In comparison, the secular renaissance woman tends to focus on just the surface level or worldly achievements. 

The Word of God will forever be my ultimate blueprint of what it means to be a high-value woman, not what the world spews out to me through social media, society, others’ opinions, etc. You see, God has bought us with a price, and it is in our best interest to follow his lead in all things.  I encourage you to follow God’s blueprint to become the woman he has ordained for you to be.

1 Corinthians 6:20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Virtuous Woman Pinterest link
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God Bless You!